9 DO's And DON'Ts For When Sex Gets Weird

09/27/2013 02:20 pm ET | Updated Sep 27, 2013

Far be it from us to dispense dating advice, but it's come to our attention that some individuals desperately need it.

Without further ado, we present to you the official Weird News Sex, Love And Dating Do's And Don'ts.

  • 9 DO: Choose The Right Location
    Gettystock/Ethan Fedida
    While no one's denying the allure of aisles full of screws and hard wood, getting nailed at Home Depot can land you in jail. Just ask this couple, who learned the hard way that Home Depot's former motto of "You Can Do It. We Can Help" is a big, fat lie.

    Oh yeah, don't have sex while driving a car, either.
  • 8 DO: Pick A Human Partner
    This means no pool floats, no couches and, for God's sake, no animals.

    If you, like this Texas gentleman, are under the impression that having sex with a horse will result in "a horse-man baby," you are severely mistaken.
  • 7 DON'T Confuse Porn With Reality
    Hey, porn can be great, but there are some major differences between porn sex and real-life sex.

    Plus, have you seen those people without makeup?
  • 6 DO: Handle A Break-Up With Grace
    Sometimes things just don't work out. This is not a legitimate reason to poop on the floor, hide out in your ex's attic, or start eating toes.

    And please, please, no matter what you do, don't run over your ex-boyfriend's mother with a car, then send him a text message that says, "LOL."
  • 5 DON'T: Include Your Family
    Family should always come first, but not in the bedroom.

    When this South Carolina man attempted a three-way with his girlfriend and her female cousin, the night ended with an assault charge. Don't try this at home, or anywhere.
  • 4 DO: Call Your Mom
    Not while shaking the sheets, obviously, but let her know what's happening in your life every now and then. Otherwise, you might wind up like this British man, whose mother reported him missing when he was really just having sex at a hotel.
  • 3 DO: Be Kind
    Ladies, if your man finishes a little too early, surely he's not feeling great about the situation. Try not to make things worse by assaulting him, like this Florida lady allegedly did.
  • 2 DO: Use Protection
    Kids, use a condom. And not for snorting.

    But if it fails...
  • 1 Do NOT Let A Dolphin Assist With Your Child's Birth
    If you wind up with a case of the babies, go to a doctor, not a dolphin.

    This North Carolina couple claims they traveled to Hawaii to partake in a "dolphin-assisted birth," which is also known as "hands down, one of the worst natural birthing ideas anyone has ever had," according to science writer Christie Wilcox.

    Seriously, dolphins have been known to try to rape people, and disrupting wild dolphin populations with your screaming, blood-covered bundle of joy is dolphin-itely a terrible idea.
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