BLATANT INFOMERCIAL FOR THE HUFFINGTON POST!
I was just sitting around, thinking about last week's bombings.
Multi-tasking, I was: sitting AND thinking.
And I started to ask myself how we could explain such horrible events so, you know, none of us look stupid at parties?
Even more important, how can my explanation about these acts help me pick up girls?
Then I read the Huffington Post, and I realized that, unlike Eve Ensler, Deepak Chopra, Jann Wenner and Hooman Majd, I have absolutely no idea how to respond to terror in a totally cool and nonjudgmental way!
When faced with something truly evil, like Karl Rove's leak, it's easy. Call for the bastard's head.
But what about terrorists - or “bombers” - as the BBC calls them?
That's a tough one, because although what the bombers did was bad - OUR country does some pretty bad things too! And really, who's to say what's bad anyway?
That's judgmental. And being judgmental is wrong. Unless you're a judge. And even then that's probably not right either. Who's to say? Not me. Probably not even a judge! Judges aren't cool!
Thank God for the Huffington Post.
I now know how to respond to evil.
And you can too!
(cue music)
“With an irresistible mix of moral relativism and false consciousness, THE HUFFPO GUIDE TO GOOD AND EVIL helps me handle any debate involving terrorism - or any subject dealing with evil!” - Greg Gutfeld, 40, writer, pet owner and part-time Pilates instructor. “Passing judgment is so expensive! This seminar teaches me how to make everything relative - so I don't have to defend my country - or my relatives!”
So far, I've learned so much from Deepak Chopra! Like, when faced with one act of terror, simply equate it to an act of non-terror!
“Why is killing a person in uniform more acceptable than a person in civilian clothing? Who makes the rules about "civilized vs. uncivilized" killing? Can we begin to question these rules?”
Thanks to Deepak, we can pose such questions! But we can't answer them, because there are no answers! As Chopra explains - no one is right, and no one is wrong!
"This is the bias that of course 'we' are good and mostly right while 'they' are bad and mostly wrong. It's on that basis that unacceptable slaughter continues on all sides."
SUREFIRE CONVERSATION TIP: BEFORE GOING OUT, PRACTICE SAYING EXACTLY WHAT HOOMAN MAJD SAYS FIFTEEN TIMES IN FRONT OF A MIRROR! (THIS WILL GET YOU INTO THE PANTS OF ANY GRAD STUDENT - PROVIDED THEY'RE FLARES!)
“Terror should never be rewarded, but what if what the terrorist wants is what is right? What if what is a 'win' to the terrorist is what is right? Do we refuse to comply simply because the terrorist has acted?”
IF THAT DOESN'T GET YOU LAID, THEN EQUATE TERRORISM TO FIGHTING TERRORISM!
From Deepak!
" …it would be naive to take the simple way out and call this an example of pure evil and depravity….Unless we accept this fact, we will continue with our madness of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
THEN BUILD A SKYSCRAPER OUT OF ROOT CAUSES! IT'S SENSITIVE! AND SEXY!
Show us Deepak!
“Terrorism also festers because of a lack of education, toxic nationalism, ignorance about the outside the world, and deep economic disparities. Twenty thousand children died yesterday of hunger-related causes around the world, twenty thousand will die today, and twenty thousand tomorrow.”
START CHANTING!! YOU MIGHT GET PEOPLE BACK TO YOUR HOT TUB!
More Deepak!
“Millions of people are ready to join in harmonious interaction with Nature -- and with our own complex inner nature -- to create a world of peace, harmony, laughter and love. Let us strengthen our intention to create that critical mass of peace consciousness….Each one of us can help create this critical mass by becoming the embodiment of peace conciousness through peace practices:
Being Peace
Thinking Peace
Feeling Peace
Speaking Peace
Acting Peace
Creating Peace
Sharing Peace
Celebrating Peace.”
THEN TELL PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH YOU THAT THEY'RE ASLEEP!
Here, Eve Ensler helps us wake up with a post that may or may not be written by someone who is awake! Maybe it's a member of a “sleeper” cell!
“Dear America:
I need you to wake up. The house is on fire and you are still sleeping, lulled by the intoxication of smoke and mirrors. I need you to wake up and I know that shaking you, scaring you will only make you cling to your sleep and sleep more.
“ Your sleep is induced. You are distracted and derailed. The corporations have concocted and perfected these sleeping potions for years, developing ingredients to make you despise every bit of yourself, to feel ugly and fat and stupid and poor and not enough.
How do I break through your sealed wrapping, your self-obsession, your TVheadphonedDVDcell pod?”
FINAL STEP! SAY, “IT'S JUST MY OPINION!”
When someone (who is probably asleep) points out that terrorism is WRONG, feel free to say, “who is to say what's wrong, really?” Then state that you are only affirming your opinion! It's just how YOU FEEL. And you'd NEVER impose your beliefs on anyone else! “What's right for you, may not be right for me.”
FOR EXTRA CREDIT, SAY:
"Seriously, I mean, how bad is terrorism, when you compare that to our country's indifference to the homeless? Or the way we avert our eyes from passive smoking? Or gas-guzzling SUVs?
What about peanuts on airplanes?
CHRIST! WHAT ABOUT THE PEANUTS?"
Since that kills the debate, you'll have more time for yoga… AT YOUR PLACE!
BUT FINALLY, THERE ARE DOWNSIDES TO ADOPTING THIS KIND OF MINDSET:
You may get punched. But when you do get hit, you must hold fast. Say: "Who's to say I didn't deserve that? And did it really hurt? What is pain? Pain is subjective - maybe getting hit was good for me!" And remember, such an attack may be a political act of performance art. As Damien Hirst once pointed out, acts of violence can be seen as works of art.
So take it like a true patron!
This seminar was provided, free, by Greg Gutfeld