If characters like Cinderella, Snow White and Mulan were living in 2013, what would their stories look like? That's the question that Tim Manley set out to answer when he created the Tumblr Fairy Tales for Twenty-Somethings, now a book called Alice in Tumblr-land: And Other Fairy Tales for a New Generation.
Today, Mulan is dealing with questions of gender identity, Cinderella is divorcing Prince Charming and Snow White is seriously confused as to why anyone would want children. (Clearly the seven dwarves were enough for her.)
"As a child, fairy tales were how I made sense of the world -- a dream of becoming an apple salesman could only come from a kid who really believed anything was possible," Manley wrote in a blog post for HuffPost Books. "I'm returning to those fairy tales now to try to make sense of the world again. This time, it's probably going to involve more alcohol."
LOOK: 9 Fairy Tales For A New Generation
Cinderella divorced the Prince pretty quickly -- no, he wasn’t secretly gay, just kind of a prick -- and moved back in with her stepmother.
As a symbolic gesture, she vowed not to wear glass slippers, or any slippers, ever again. From here on out, all Crocs, all the time.
Everyone was loving Rapunzel’s new short hair, but one unexpected consequence was that she kept getting hit on by women.
After, like, the tenth time, she wanted to say, “Is this still a thing -- that only lesbians have short hair? Can’t pretty much anyone have short hair now?” But then she was like, Eh, YOLO, and they made out.
Goldilocks kept taking fries off her friends’ plates.
Then she’d be like, “Wait, does this have gluten in it?”
Wendy had kids right when she got back from Neverland, and then she was too f**king tired to do anything else.
Mulan kind of dressed and acted like a guy, whatever that meant. Basically she was a guy, but a part of her didn’t want to go all the way and start identifying as “he.” She didn’t think gender should have that much power. And what would she gain from transitioning to become a man?
Then one night at the movies she saw the line for the women’s bathroom and was like, Well...
Sleeping Beauty’s friends swore that her sleep habits were a sign of severe depression. And what was it she’d heard on TV? The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Or was that only for addicts? Whatever. She decided to skip the first step and went straight to pouring herself a glass of wine.
I love this step, she thought.
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty felt like she and the Beast were getting closer every day. They were totally in tune with each other; they really understood each other.
But then she accidentally stumbled on some weird porn sites he’d left open, and honestly, was that what he was interested in doing with her? Because, hell no.
Despite Prince Charming’s repeated requests for children, Snow White couldn’t understand why anyone would want a baby. Babies were like that really annoying girl at a party, but the party was all the time and the annoying girl kept grabbing at your breasts.
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood’s new battery-powered purchase was certainly worth the money -- she’d named him Lil’ Red -- and she’d grown quite content with her man-free lifestyle.
And of course that’s when she found a guy at the bar who wasn’t some asshole wolf or douche bag huntsman. He was sweet, and she thought he was pretty funny, so she invited him back to her place. This was it! Finally!
But once in bed he was too nervous to, um, proceed forward.
Well, that was a bummer, she thought, and lit a cigarette.
Excerpted from Alice in Tumblr-Land: And Other Fairy Tales for a New Generation, by Tim Manley.