Huffpost Comedy

Are You A Thoughtless, Inconsiderate Jerk Of A Person? Here's How To Tell.

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Are you kind of a jerk? Don't worry, this is a safe place, you can be honest. There are a lot of inconsiderate people out there; people who don't think of anyone but themselves; people who walk through everyday life oblivious to the world and the people living in it. It's often the little considerations that keep us from going completely insane at the end of the day.

Think about all the times your day was brought to a screeching halt because you just could not get over that person who was so blatantly inconsiderate to you or even someone else around you. Oh, you can't think of an instance where that's happened to you? Congratulations, you're probably the person we're talking about.

It's time to play the part of the surrogate mother holding you painfully by your ear. This is for your own good.

1. Do you hold the door open for people?

Well, do you at least look behind you to see if someone needs the door held for them? Please, don't say you make the conscious decision to not hold the door for them. Listen, you don't have to act like holding the door is your job, but it's the thought that counts. Most people appreciate that you made the effort for them.

But you know the consideration doesn't stop at the door-holding end. If you notice someone holding the door for you, and you're close enough to oblige, you better walk through that damn door:

How dare you not recognize my kindness!

2. Do you chew with your mouth open?

If there was a human being handbook given to all of us on the way out of the womb, surely "Eating And You" would be one of the essential chapters. This is Human Basics 101, guys. If we can't nail this down, then we'll never get a human to Mars. It probably takes more effort to open your mouth that wide than it does to relax your jaw a bit and chew like a regular person. Even if it didn't, we're talking minimal effort here, people. Minimal effort to avoid looking like you're Ms. Pac-Manning your way through dinner.

Waka waka waka waka waka waka...

3. Do you litter?

What the hell is wrong with you? There are trash cans everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There is absolutely no excuse to slothfully drop your refuse on the ground, like the way a sleepy, intoxicated Jabba the Hutt discards his slave dancers. We only get one of these Earths, and we're struggling to keep it up as it is. Even on the Death Star they take (sorry, took) the time to compact their own litter. And they're surrounded by lightyears of empty space in which to dump it! Next time you entertain the idea of throwing garbage straight onto the ground, think: What if Luke Skywalker was watching?

Luke is utterly disgusted with you.

4. Do you cut in line?

People still do this? What is your problem? Did you not see that everyone was forming a line? Nobody likes waiting in it, but you're not special. A line has three parts: the beginning, the middle and the end. Maybe you were confused by the language. See, where you "begin" is actually at the end. Yes, it's puzzling, but surely you knew not to start in the middle by cutting in front of a bunch of people. We hope.

Look, even ducks can do it.

5. Do you blast music on your phone in public?

No one wants to hear music -- your music, or any music -- blasted out of the tiny speakers of your phone. Or through your $300 Beats by Dre headphones. Just because you enjoy slowly eating away at the thin film membrane that is your ear drum, that doesn't mean the rest of us want to bear witness. This is how you come off to everyone else around you:

Kirk and Spock are not amused.

6. Do you use speaker phone in public?

Reality TV popularized this trend. But on the teevee people use speaker phone so that the viewers at home can also hear the person on the other end of the call. Now everyone thinks they're part of the Kardashian family or that we want to hear their personal business broadcast in a Walgreens line. We really, really don't.

Oh. You're that person.

7. Do you knock before entering a bathroom?

Obviously, we're talking a one-person bathroom here. Do you knock, or do you try to wrench the locked door open and barge your way through, because your bladder has taken control of your brain? Okay, you've got to pee, we get it. But you know who else has to pee? The person currently peeing, and maybe they're scared to death that you might actually get in and find them in a compromising position. So now you're just prolonging your wait in line because public restroom stage fright is a very real thing. It's called paruresis, and you're making it worse.

Heeeeeeeerrrrrreeee's Johnn---"SOMEONE'S IN HERE!"

8. Do you use your turn signal when driving?

It's really simple and people will completely appreciate it. It's also the law. Even if you're weaving through traffic, most people will still talk themselves down from a murderous rage by saying, "Well, at least they used their turn signal." You may think, "Well, I'm a good driver, I know what I'm doing." Terrific, well, we don't know what you're doing. So your options are 1) telepathically communicate your lane change to us, or 2) use your turn signal.

Look at the effort this guy puts into it!

Your turn signal work requirement is 1000 times less than this.

9. Do you wait for people to get off the train?

When the bus or train finally comes, do you give the people on board a chance to exit? Or do you just stand in front of the doors, or maybe even try to swim upstream like a deranged salmon heading for the promised land (which in this case is just a cold hard seat)? If you do either of the latter, what is your major malfunction? You're not making the situation move any faster. You see, there's a limited amount of room on that train, and it's already taken up by people. It's literally impossible for two humans to occupy the same space at once. That's just physics, or something.

Doesn't matter if you know the owner, electrons will not let you through.

10. Are you a bad tipper?

If you have received bad service, you're completely within your right to tip your server less. Leaving no tip should be a rare and incredibly extreme circumstance -- we're talking the server telling your girlfriend she's got nice boobs and then calling you a wuss for ordering vegetables, or something. And if it was really so bad that you don't leave a tip, maybe you should speak to a manager, because that dude is really bad at his job. If you're constantly experiencing times when you think leaving little or no tip is acceptable though, then the problem might be you.

Everyone should work in the food service industry once in their life, to see firsthand what it's like. The worst thing you can do is punish a server for things they can't control. Or for not meeting your outlandish expectations. Awww poor you, is it super busy on a Friday night? Did somebody forget your sixth side order of bacon? Did somebody spill water over the side of your weird shaped glass while giving you a refill? Next time you consider leaving a bad tip, take out your phone and pull up this article. Now use it to calculate a decent tip.

Servers appreciate that you appreciate them, and they will remember.

11. Do you neglect your dog-owning "doodies"?

Your animals should be treated like they're your children, for everyone's sake (perhaps especially the animal's). Ask yourself the following questions: Would you watch your child poop in the middle of a sidewalk and then ignore it? Would you let your child run wild, unsupervised, climbing all over perfect strangers? Would you let your child yell and scream throughout the day or night? Of course not, (but if you answered yes, we hereby revoke your privilege to have animals or children). Pick up your dog's poop. Teach it to behave, at least mildly well. You wanted a dog. Well, the poop and the barking come with it.

This is what a happy, symbiotic owner/pet relationship looks like when you clean up after your dog.

12. Are you always late?

We're all guilty of this once in a while, and how people respond to it will vary from relationship to relationship. One thing is for sure, being late all the time will inevitably piss someone off. Some take it personally, or see it as a form of you establishing dominance. Even if neither of those is your intention, you can be sure that people will notice if you're the one they're constantly waiting on. What it comes down to is your word. If you say you will be at a certain place at a certain time, then that's when should aim to be there by. If you make the effort and get held up and are a few minutes late, they'll understand. If it's obvious that you didn't really care about punctuality in the first place, they'll notice. And if you need help, check out this post.

The thing is, when you've screwed up and know you're late, you'll try to overcompensate, then fail to use your turn signal (see #8). It'll just end poorly:

I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE I'M LATE---

13. Do you pull out your phone for everything?

This is a particularly disturbing trend. An altercation or incident takes place in front of you and someone needs help. Rather than stepping in to help, some people ignore it or pull out their phones to record it so they can show it off on social media. Talk about a complete disconnect from reality.

A study by Intel last month showed that the majority of millennials believe technology causes dehumanization in society. With many people communicating only through only text or sitting on the computer all day and night, they're finding it difficult to connect with other humans because they spend the majority of their day not really connected with humans at all. So, while life plays out before their eyes, they're watching it happen on their screens, or missing it all together! Your brand new iPhone camera can have as many megapixels as it wants, but nothing is more high-resolution than your own damn eyes.

"Here's me interacting with a real human being!"

Just remember, these are everyday behaviors that you should consider not to be rewarded or praised by others, but because being considerate of other human beings is the right thing to do, plain and simple. You know it, and acting like it will make you feel better about yourself. Now, go clean up your dog's poop.

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