Here at HuffPost Weird News, we don't recommend embarking on a life of crime. But if you do (don't), the least you can do is have a little fun, right?
Let these dumb criminals be a lesson to you, kids: Stay in school, don't do drugs, and never, ever, ever-ever, butt-dial 911.
So here they are. The HuffPost Weird News dumbest of the dumb criminals for 2013. It was an ugly year.
You Better Run
We begin with a dumb crime classic: "Malicious fecal distribution."
A New Mexico resident sent a home-security tape to local news station KOAT showing what appears to be footage of a woman repeatedly relieving herself on the side of his house during her morning "runs."
Definitely take care of that before leaving the house.
As we said in June, there are dumb thieves and then there is Jamie Neil.
The 41-year-old Brit was convicted of robbing a gas station in Cornwall, UK -- while wearing a see-through plastic bag over his head. Look closely and you can see both his face and lack of brains.
Just Give Us A Second
When Mario Garcia, 39, and Domingo Garcia-Hernandez, 28, entered the Chicago's Clifton Grill demanding food and telling the owner, "I will kill you, I have a gun with me," the concerned restauranteur asked that the pair come back later.
And when they did, the police were there waiting, ready to charge them with one count of attempted aggravated robbery each.
Busted Butt Dial
Craighead County Sheriff's Office
This is a dumb crime featuring a smart and very lucky would-be victim.
Larry Barnett, 68, inadvertently revealed his plans for murder when he butt-dialed the target of his plot, who listened for 90 minutes. Ninety minutes!
The victim even told police he overheard Barnett say, “I don’t care if you have to burn his house to the ground with him in it. I don’t care what you have to do, make it look like an accident.” Not so smart.
That would have been the right call for Nicholas Emond, a.k.a. "Sin Demon" (ok, we'll play along).
Police busted the Sin Demon when he commented on his own mug shot posted to Facebook by the New Hampshire ABC affiliate station WMUR. Dislike, we know.
This unidentified 26-year-old fool rode his way into our hearts when, after staggering around Landsberg, Germany, he chose to sleep on a horse instead of in a bed. It is dumb to sleep on a horse instead of in a bed. Luckily, the stable owner found him in the morning.
What Is It About Guys Loving Cars?
DANIEL COOPER VIA FACEBOOK
For Daniel "Hotcock" Cooper, that's an understatement. The UK man, whose nickname really is "Hotcock," was caught on surveillance video getting naked and then grinding against a blue 4x4 Land Rover Discovery. It's all good though, because Cooper told the court he was so drunk at the time that he did not remember his auto-erotic encounter until he saw the video. All good.
But Officer, I Was Hunting For Bigfoot
Rogers County Sheriff
Pro-tip for dumb criminals: You might as well come clean.
Words to live by for Omar Pineda, 21, who told officers that he shot his friend in the back when a "barking noise" spooked him during a Saturday night Bigfoot hunt in Oklahoma.
"If [they] had just been factual, upfront and truthful with us and explained that this was truly an accident, as strange as it might sound, we would have went ahead and investigated and probably nobody would have [gone] to jail," Rogers County Sheriff Scott Walton said at the time.
On top of that, Perry Don James, Pineda's 53-year-old father-in-law, was also arrested for throwing the gun in a pond, which police dive teams had to recover.
And on top of that, Lacey Jane Pineda, Pineda's 22-year-old wife, was charged with obstruction for lying about the incident.
For the love of Sasquatch, just come clean.
Samantha Lynn Goudie, The Drunk YOLO Girl
You do only live once, but that doesn't mean you should get wasted, storm the field of a college football game, get arrested, blow a .341 alcohol reading and -- to top it off -- tweet about it.
Then again, YOLO!
Samantha Lynn Goudie -- Twitter alias @Vodka_Samm -- was arrested by University of Iowa police at a Northern Illinois-Iowa football game in September. And she did indeed register that absurd ABV reading, to which she tweeted "Just went to jail #yolo."
Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator
Gregory Matthew Bruni stepped into the HuffPost Weird News Hall Of Legends when he terrorized a nice Florida couple, first by climbing naked on the roof of their home and then by pooping, masturbating and destroying property inside. And he did something with a vacuum cleaner that might be best left unspoken. Yes, dear readers, the violent naked pooping masturbator. It just doesn't get more dumb than that.