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Beyoncé Narrates Our Single Women's New Year's Eve

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BEYONCE
NEW YORK, NY - DECEMBER 22: Entertainer Beyonce performs on stage during 'The Mrs. Carter Show World Tour' at the Barclays Center on December 22, 2013 in New York, New York. (Photo by Kevin Mazur/WireImage for Parkwood Entertainment) | Frank Micelotta/Invision/AP

And in the twelfth month, she rose again. Wedged between the Judeo-Christian holidays, Beyoncé bestowed upon us a gift of near-messianic magnitude: 17 videos. 14 tracks. Hark, the herald angel has sung, danced, rapped, "surfed" ... what doesn't she do?

After a long and protracted holiday season, we've got some festivity-fatigue. Who better than Yoncé to give us a New Year's nudge? Sure, her new album and accompanying visuals are largely a celebration of conjugal bliss of the matrimonial variety. But Queen Bey reminds us that it is precisely her relentless independence that allows for the most rewarding kind of companionship. As such, we took some cues from the original single lady -- some, admittedly, out of context and manipulated for those of us sans-boo -- for ringing in 2014 with class and the proper amount of sass.

The holidays are over! You haven't worn proper pants in a week, nor said no to a cookie.

But it's Tuesday morning, you just got off a flight from your hometown, and you're going to rally.

You call your BFF, who is disappointingly ambivalent.

Her silly excuse for not making plans?

You know better, and you get a gang together.

No time to unpack or reorganize. Just get everything out of the way.

You're Vitamin D-deficient, so it's time for some clumsily applied self tanner.

Because it's New Year's Eve, you're just gonna go for it.
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After removing all traces of suburban holiday residue, you're finally out of the door. Careful, it's icy.

And, of course, there's a puddle. You got this.

You walk by your least favorite bar -- especially unpleasant on a night like this.

You bang on your friend's door. "Maybe she didn't hear us?"

You all commit to better oral hygiene in 2014.

It's 10:00, but there's still plenty of champagne left.

You're walking into this bar.

When you hear the cover charge.

But all the girls in line are like:

"Five minutes. I'll wait five minutes max."

"We're. In. Where's the coat check?"

You abandon your friend for the bathroom.

Great, there's a bathroom attendant and you have no cash. She looks at you like:

A man offers to buy you a drink. Not so fast, buddy. You're not having it.
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"There's really not enough room in here for me to dance."

Trying to hook you up, your friend whispers: "What about that one?"

The clock strikes midnight.

And you are perfectly satisfied to bounce and go home.

Someone tries to upstream your cab from you.

When the taxi driver asks if you can pay with cash:
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Time for bed.

So you can dream that you are this lucky little girl.

And wake up to a very, very happy new year!

Let's get brunch.

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