Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My children's new year's resolution appears to be to mash up crackers and leave crumbs in every room of the house.
— Sarah Kelber (@sarahkelber) January 1, 2014
Someday when he's older I hope my son cooks me a meal and when he does I'm going to look at him and throw it all on the floor, bit by bit.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) January 4, 2014
I lead by example for my kids. So, when teaching them sparkler safety, I burned the shit out of my finger. Now they know not to do that.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) January 3, 2014
"Mom, why do you have a chicken butt on your head?" is just one example of the many questions I won't be answering today.
— VodkaFelix n Soul (@Vodkantots) January 3, 2014
My kids don't like my delicious baked macaroni and cheese but will ask for the junk in the box. This can't be life.
— Blacktatia (@Blacktating) January 4, 2014
Get away from me
Time for bed
-things I said to my kids this morning
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 5, 2014
It is now time for the festival of maternal sighing & wondering why no one will help, also known as "Taking Down the Tree".
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) January 3, 2014
Have a toddler -
Because it's fun to groom someone against her will.
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) December 18, 2013
Me: Hold your horses.
3-year-old: I don’t have any horses.
Me: That’s not what I mean.
3: Don't be mean to horses.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
Which is more amusing a) your child walks out of a car and into the airport with only one shoe on b) your husband doesn't notice
— Ellen Seidman (@LoveThatMax) January 1, 2014
Sippy cups. All vessels should be like sippy cups. Open but spill proof at the same time. By gosh I will crack this in 2014
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) January 1, 2014
Me: "I love you very much."
4yo (head butting my stomach): "I RHINO you very much!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 1, 2014
The good news is that I won. The bad news is that I was playing Candyland against my son.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) December 31, 2013
4yo: *kicks open our bedroom door*
Wife and I: *know better than to move or talk*
*slams door shut*
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) January 2, 2014
Mom, can I have cold pizza for breakfast?
If you need me, I'll be outside painting Greek letters on the house and looking for a kegerator.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) January 2, 2014
If school's out for 3 weeks and you only have 10 days' worth of patience, good cheer and craft projects, how much "Sam & Cat" is acceptable?
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 2, 2014
I just said, "I'm your mother, not your servant," and somewhere my mom fell into convulsions of gleeful laughter.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) January 2, 2014
I like to carry a child with small hands with me in case of Pringles.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 2, 2014
My son keeps calling me "Sandwich Guy" and I have no idea if he means it as an insult or praise.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 3, 2014
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.
— Wendy (@maughammom) January 3, 2014
"I didn't just spend enough time with my kids over the two week break. How about a snow day?" Said no mother ever.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 3, 2014
My 3yo: "Just because it's 2014 doesn't mean haters are going to stop hating."
— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) January 2, 2014
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