Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My lone goal as a parent is to one day see the Place Where All The Socks Go.
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) September 27, 2013
Irony defined by me: Something humorous based on contradiction.
Irony defined by my 3 year old: How something looks after you iron it.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 19, 2014
When you let your kids get their own breakfast, there's a chance the 4yo will eat a stick of butter.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) January 11, 2014
I assume when my 5 year old sees a kid in his class with the same gloves as him he says, "I'll trade you my right one for your left one".
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 15, 2014
7 is the age you can tell em, "Good morning! Get up, brush teeth, wash face, brush hair, get dressed, get breakfast, & let's go...From bed.
— SocaMom (@SocaMomDC) January 11, 2014
Which came first? The lego or the arch of the foot that it seems to hit every time I step on one of them... It's the conundrum of parenting.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) January 14, 2014
"Oh, Snap!" - Me telling my Kids what comes before crackle and pop.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 19, 2014
My son will turn anything into a game where he has to run into a wall.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) January 15, 2014
Kiddo, if you're this thrilled w/ my saying, "You got it, Pontiac," wait until I unleash: "Where's the beef?!"
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) January 13, 2014
It is fascinating to me how my child has no scruples about eating sand, yet she acts like she's melting when she tastes toothpaste.
— Emily (@TheWaitingBlog) January 15, 2014
Can I sue Disney for malpractice if my kid pokes me in the eye with medical equipment from the Doc McStuffins play set during my "checkup"?
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) January 16, 2014
My son hasn't made a peep in over an hour and it's so calm in here with the exception of the sound of a bread knife carving cardboard.
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) January 17, 2014
My daughter has taken to calling out to her stuffed animals, "[Object], where are you?" w/her hand up to her brow to shade her peering eyes.
— stacia l. brown (@slb79) January 13, 2014
I don't even want to tell you where on my body I just found a Dora sticker.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) January 17, 2014
My wife and I sometimes need a night away from the kids, so we get a sitter, go out, and then spend all night talking about the kids.
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) January 17, 2014
I would love to enjoy this dinner date but toddlers have trained me to eat thirty seconds or less using the shovel technique
— kelly jean (@kjmeow) January 15, 2014
Just before bed tonight, my 6yo asked her 1st reasonable question of the day: "Mama, why don't we have a butler?"
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) January 14, 2014
I want my family to ignore me for the rest of the night so I'm wearing a suit made entirely of dirty dishes.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) January 15, 2014
Bedtime: otherwise known as but-I'm-hungry-and-need-to-change-my-clothes-and-I-suddenly-want-to-learn-how-to-use-the-potty time.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) January 20, 2014
Husband: it's only 7:30 but it feels like 9/Me: Put her to bed, she doesn't know the diff. She needs to go/Him: You sound like a mafia don
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) January 10, 2014
The stuff I find in my sons high chair. Wow
— Tamera Mowry-Housley (@TameraMowryTwo) January 15, 2014
My brother, on planning kids in the near future: "We're ready. It'll be fun!" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 19, 2014
Trying to parent a teenager is one of the very best and most efficient ways to feel like the world's most monumental fuck up.
— Robert Rummel-Hudson (@rumhud) January 11, 2014
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) January 11, 2014