Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I'm going to accomplish SO MUCH today. Haha, jk. I'm not going to accomplish anything today, I have kids.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) January 30, 2014
Sunday, we used to be people who brunch. Now, we're people who eat other people's crusts.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 26, 2014
My 4 year old asked me if germs come from Germany.
— alyson hannigan (@alydenisof) January 31, 2014
Being a parent is really cool, because you get to tell people what to do. And, occasionally, they do it.
— Southpaw (@_SetTheHook_) January 30, 2014
Never ask your child if she loves you more than television.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) January 28, 2014
Is it me or does burping a baby feel like russian roulette with vomit?
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) January 29, 2014
There's almost nothing that can't be blamed on the impending arrival of a 2 year molar.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) January 30, 2014
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him if he has to go potty for the hundredth time today.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) January 28, 2014
I’m not giving the kids a timeout. I’m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner and being ignored sounds just heavenly.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) January 28, 2014
Last year I joined the Parent Committee but then found out what they did so I quit.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) January 28, 2014
The best way to encourage your child's dreams of being a writer is to discourage him. Parenting is hard, but fun.
— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 28, 2014
Pretty sure 90% of the reason my son loves Pirate Booty is cuz of the word "pirate". Which is better than liking it cuz of the word "booty".
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 25, 2014
Son asked what Déjà Vu is like. So I said "It's like when Mommy cleans the house, then minutes later you & your Sister make it dirty again."
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 27, 2014
Before becoming a dad, I never thought I'd ever say, "I use the Nose Frida to suck snot like a boss." But here I am. Saying that shit.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) January 27, 2014
Toddler yelling "FOOK" insistingly during meals. Thought he was cursing my cooking. Turns out he just wanted something to eat it with.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) January 30, 2014
My daughter just said the egg sandwich I made her is "too cheesy." TOO CHEESY?! It's been nice knowing her.
— Carabee (@Carabee) January 30, 2014
Composition of Motherhood: 1% making meals, 2% not drinking at inappropriate times, 97% telling people if their shoes are on the right feet.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 26, 2014
— Eva Loves (@WhatEvaLoves) January 29, 2014
An actual thing I just said to my toddler and I'm not even drunk: "I let you stay up late so you need to sleep until at least 8am"
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) February 1, 2014
"When I have a daughter, I'm going to name her MOM so I can tell Mom what to do. Same goes if I have a boy, his name will be DAD" B, age 9
— Gabrielle Daniels (@AroundTownGabby) January 27, 2014
"Can I watch a show?" "No, it's bedtime." "A really short show?" "No." "Ok, how about just the opening credits of a show?"
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) January 29, 2014
5 year old: "Hi Daddy!"
"Hey buddy, what's up?"
"You said 'the ceiling'."
"IT IS UP."
"Go to bed."
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 31, 2014
"Mom, what happens if I want to marry a girl?"
"Well, then you marry a girl."
Easiest talk ever.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) January 28, 2014