ARTS & CULTURE

'I Saw You Spitting On A Picasso Painting At The MOMA'... And So Begins The Greatest Missed Connection Ever

02/05/2014 10:04 am ET | Updated Feb 05, 2014
Craigslist

"Anyway if you want to see 'Dallas Buyers Club' with me sometime, shoot me an email."
— Anonymous Genius

Look, we were just perusing Craigslist's Manhattan Missed Connections section like we do every day (you never know who you may have moved with the singularly charming way you commute to work every day) and we came across this, the greatest piece of Craigslist art we've ever seen.

Yes, anonymous, sir, we WILL go see "Dallas Buyer's Club" with you. Read the full text of the listing below.

I SAW YOU SPITTING ON A PICASSO PAINTING AT THE MOMA - m4w - 34 (53rd & 5th)

I saw you on the Q train to Butterball Land. You were Asian and I was wearing stripes. You had a soft brown leather satchel and no ears nor hands.

I saw you at Kung Fu class on Wednesday. I could tell that you must like steak and living in the moment.

I saw you in the taxi we shared at 3pm on 79th and Amsterdam. It seemed our car had a leaky air conditioner. As the water dripped you made a funny gesture like you were showering.

I saw you working at the bank and eating a tuna sandwich behind the glass. I was wearing a Cheers shirt and holding a three large pizzas for my grandmother's funeral.

I saw you in my art history class on the 354th floor of The NYU Universe. The professor began complaining about the students not handing their homework in on time and you interrupted with a stupendous fart. Did you eat Mexican food for breakfast? Thats all I want to know. Hope you find this and tell me if there are any good burrito places in Tribeca.

I saw you glance at me up and down in an elitist, uninterested manner on 12th and Broadway. So I assume you liked what you saw. I was in a light trenchcoat and black heels with a talking Louis Vuitton bag that was discussing politics to a vender on the street.

I saw you at Central Park with your dog. You were reading a book to him on architecture-a topic far too eccentric for even Liberaci's taste.

I saw you at that rotten job I left months ago. I always wanted to say hi, but was too shy to approach you. Your talent was intimidating. I was also hesitant because you didn't use an environmentally friendly non-toxic water bottle.

I saw you escaping from a moving ambulance truck on W37th around 9 am. I was just finishing my morning coffee when you rushed right by me and stepped on my foot. I shouted "Hey Asshole, watch where you're going!" You told me to go fuck myself as you began ripping the i.v. from your chest. Anyway if you want to see "Dallas Buyers Club" with me sometime, shoot me an email. Tell me what kind of knife you were holding so I know its really you.

I saw you waking up in my bed and leaving quietly to return to your wife on the UWS. I'm pretty sure your underpants featured a Dr. Seuss character. Wish I had gotten your name.

Us, too. Us, too.

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