Once upon a time there were two friends, Goofus and Gallant.
Both were in love with very weird people.
Gallant tried to show his love by doing the proper thing: He purchased a greeting card with a sappy message.
Goofus took the advice of HuffPost Weird News and wrote "Happy Valentine's Day" on a waterproof notepad he snuck into his lover's shower.
Gallant bought his sweetheart a boring charm bracelet while Goofus purchased a gold-plated charm necklace with a depiction of two dinosaurs having sex.
Gallant gave his lover long-stemmed roses in a tasteful vase. Goofus gave his lover a bouquet of six types of salami.
Sadly for Gallant, the love of his life broke up with him when she saw the gifts.
"You're boring and think like everyone else," she said.
On the other hand, Goofus' gal took one bite of salami and a swig of tabacco-flavored vodka and said, "I'm amazed! How did you know what I wanted?"
"Easy, I read HuffPost Weird News."
"I knew you were smart ... and weird."
The colorful phrase "jumping her bones" takes on a literal meaning with this romantic depiction of two dinosaurs humping.
Paleontologists will note that dinosaurs, being reptiles, probably didn't mate in this fashion.
What is more romantic on Valentine's Day than wearing a Cupid costume
that accentuates the most unflattering parts of the body? A lot of things, actually, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Valentine's Day is often freezing, which makes romantic gestures like holding hands in the street impractical. This heart-shaped mitten
makes it easy to tell people they can eat their hearts out.
Yeah, you could send your love flowers on Valentine's Day, but there's no creativity to that. A salami bouquet,
however, tells your Valentine ... uh, what does it tell them? Who cares, I'm hungry.
Sports-themed "f-me pumps":
The perfect gift for the woman who loves sports almost as much as she loves impractical, podiatrically-unsound footwear.
There's an old adage: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for life." Yes, rings and necklaces are romantic, but this gold panning kit
will teach your love to be more self-sufficient.
Making breakfast for your love? Let them know what your heart is feeling by making the eggs look like hearts.
Doesn't work if you have to flip the eggs, though.
As sexy as lingerie can be, those negligees can be chilly. These teddy-bear themed Valentine's PJs
will keep you warm as every last piece of dignity leaves your body.