Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we're thrilled to welcome our first-ever guest curator, Melissa Sher, a Best Parenting Tweets veteran with a knack for humor who speaks the truth about parenthood on her blog, Mammalingo, and right here on HuffPost Parents.
Parenthood: The only job where, the longer you have it, the less you seem to know.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 3, 2014
If your kid was alone in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes, you should probably just go ahead and throw away all the toothbrushes.
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) February 5, 2014
Rome was definitely built faster than any kid has ever zipped a coat.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) February 4, 2014
Went in to get toddler up from his nap. Found him naked, wearing his nappy as a hat. It seems that he's ready to be a university student.
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) February 6, 2014
Dear Mother Nature, I’m a mom. You’re a mom. So WTF???!!! Please stop acting like such an a-hole, k?
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) February 5, 2014
Told my kid to only use her phone at school for emergencies and she just texted me asking if she can have a Rice Krispies Treat.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) February 4, 2014
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it's not based on a true story.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) February 7, 2014
So proud that my 3yo loves saying her prayers at night, but especially proud of her favorite line, "Hollywood be thy name".
— Karri-Leigh (@karri_leigh) February 5, 2014
Oh Seahawks, just let the Broncos catch up a little like I do with my kids when we play Candy Land. #SuperBowl
— StefanieWilderTaylor (@SWilderTaylor) February 3, 2014
I don't own a T-shirt that doesn't have puke, blood, or poop stains on it. I can't tell if that means I'm back in college or if I'm a dad.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 4, 2014
My favourite part of my son's kindergarten report card: "He was enthusiastic about learning & performing the chicken dance". That's My Boy!!
— Canadian Dad (@CanadianDadBlog) February 5, 2014
I've mastered the art of opening candy wrappers a few feet away from my kids without them knowing. Skills you can't learn in college.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) February 4, 2014
I have not spoken to another adult since 9am (the one I came across out in the world just grunted) so that's where I'm coming from.
— Wendy C. Ortiz (@WendyCOrtiz) February 4, 2014
Guess who's six today? My ravaged, wrinkly two-times-inflated bellyflap. Oh, also my youngest son. *toots party horn*
— Linda (@Sundry) February 4, 2014
My 3-year-old daughter: *begs to wear her brand new snow boots*
*makes me carry her so she doesn’t get snow on them*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014
My 4yo just picked up the novel I'm reading, flipped through it, & sighed to herself, "No pictures. It's so hard to enjoy life sometimes."
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) February 2, 2014
How many times do I hafta say, "Get your finger/hand out of your nose/mouth" in a day? Cheezus. Now I just say it whenever as a precaution.
— Eva Loves (@WhatEvaLoves) February 3, 2014
I can tell when the preschool teachers are irritated with the parents because they send home art projects with lots of glitter.
— Candy Kirby (@candykirby) February 4, 2014
2yo: Can you sing me a song?
2yo: No, I mean I want it to sound like music.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) February 6, 2014
“Teaching my kids to eat healthy is basically me saying, 'It's too late for me, save yourself!'”
— Improvising Father (@improvfather) February 4, 2014
Nothing better than a baby snuggled up underneath you snoring their face off. Nope.
— A'Driane Nieves (@addyeB) February 6, 2014