“Vampire Academy,” a new movie that's in theaters now, did not screen early for critics. This is always a bad sign. Regardless, Friday morning, I purchased a ticket to see “Vampire Academy” at a movie theater on East 86th Street on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here's how that went:
10:45 a.m.: There are 11 other people in this theater who woke up this morning and decided, “I am going to the early bird showing of ‘Vampire Academy’ today.”
10:50 a.m.: Looking around, most of the people in here appear as if they are retirement age. This does not make retirement seem very appealing.
10:52 a.m.: The trailer for “Fading Gigolo,” a movie starring Woody Allen, just started playing. When we first see Allen, the man behind me said “oh no” out loud.
10:59 a.m.: "Vampire Academy" has been playing for three minutes and two women in the row in front of me just collected their belongings and walked out.
11:00 a.m.: A character in this movie has a poster of Jimmy Carter on her wall.
11:02 a.m.: There is a lot of exposition in this movie. Characters give their life stories in what should be banal conversation.
11:03 a.m.: The gist of this movie seems to be that Rose, who is not a vampire, is here to protect Vasilisa, who is a vampire, from other evil vampires. Fair enough.
11:04 a.m.: Rose just said to Vasilisa, “Get out the map, Gandhi.” I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Did Gandhi dabble in cartography during his free time?
11:06 a.m.: Gabriel Byrne is in this movie. Oh my gosh, what have you people done to Gabriel Byrne?
11:05 a.m.: Everyone in this movie is trying to act ...
11:05 a.m.: ... except for Gabriel Byrne, who looks as if he’s imagining his new Hawaiian vacation home he can now finance with his paycheck from this movie.
11:10 a.m.: How does a movie like this get made? How does it get to the point where someone actually says out loud, “Yes, let’s spend money on this.”
11:12 a.m.: A crow just flew into a statue. Vasilisa brought it back to life.
11:12 a.m.: Here is a line of dialogue from this movie:
“Isn’t there more to talk about than my ass?’
“Your boobies?”
11:12 a.m.: “I think this line will have more effect if we say ‘boobies’ instead of ‘boobs,’ a sentence that was spoken during a “Vampire Academy” production meeting, I assume.
11:15 a.m.: It's never too late to get an accounting degree. I bet I could make a decent living as an accountant.
11:16 a.m.: The characters in this movie just use the oddest analogies. Rose is telling someone that they looked shocked, but instead of saying “you looked shocked,” she instead says, “you looked like a porcupine in a hot tub.”
11:17 a.m.: So, I just figured out that there is very loud construction going on next door. It sounds like someone is sawing through metal. Until this moment, I really thought it was part of the movie.
11:19 a.m.: Okay, this noise is really bad.
11:20 a.m.: I honestly can’t decide if the movie or the construction is more unbearable.
11:21 a.m.: An employee at the movie theater has assured us that a manager has been informed about the construction.
11:25 a.m.: The sawing noise has stopped, but it was impossible to pay attention to anything over the last few minutes. I guess, not surprisingly, it hasn’t really affected my understanding of the plot much.
11:27 a.m.: So, honestly, every 10 minutes or so, Rose will be in mid-sentence and all of a sudden her eyes turn red and she enters some sort of zone where she sees through the eyes of Vasilisa. I only mention this because it happens all of the time and it’s comically annoying.
11:30 a.m.: The actress who plays Rose, Zoey Deutch, reminds me of Ellen Page. Honestly, if you close your eyes, she sounds just like Ellen Page. I don’t mean this in a derogatory way. She deserves a better movie.
11:32 a.m.: I think I miss the saw noise.
11:33 a.m.: Now there is hammering. Whatever.
11:33 a.m.: A line of dialogue from this movie: “Queen bee? More like Queen Be-otch.”
11:40 a.m.: I’m starting to reconsider my thoughts on the “Twilight” franchise.
11:52 a.m.: Coming back from the restroom, I accidentally walked into the theater showing “The Wolf of Wall Street.” It was the scene right after Jordan’s magazine profile was published. It made me a little sad to leave.
11:53 a.m.: Rose has a fight instructor, or whatever, named Dmitri and he reminds me of a cross between a young Antonio Banderas and Nick from “Family Ties.”
11:57 a.m.: The most frustrating thing about this movie is that there’s just so much talking. Everyone has to explain something. Have you ever been in a situation where you know you’ll never see a movie, but you have a friend who has and you say, “Just tell me what happens”? That’s what it’s like to watch this movie.
11:58 a.m.: This movie would have been better if it was just Zoey Deutch, sitting on a stool, reading the book to the audience. I’m being serious.
12:00 p.m.: Two lines of dialogue from this movie:
“You were fornicating, weren’t you?”
“We were reading.”
12:02 p.m.: There is a lot of foreshadowing about a dance that’s coming up. The line, “The last time they can get to you is the dance,” was just spoken.
12:07 p.m.: “This is your last dance” with accompanying skull and crossbones popped up on Rose’s computer screen. A minute later she said, “I don’t know what’s going to happen at the dance tonight.” I think I know.
12:10 p.m.: My optometrist’s office is directly next door to this movie theater. I can’t decide if I’d rather be sitting were I am or if I’d rather be getting one of those glaucoma tests where air is puffed into my eyeball. Both are on the same unappealing scale.
12:14 p.m.: A line from this movie: “Sweet sassy molassy.” It was not spoken by Ray Romano.
12:19 p.m.: I wish this movie were over.
12:25 p.m.: Even in what I assume is the final battle scene, all of the characters are explaining something or other.
12:31 p.m.: Judging from the last scene, this movie is under the impression that there will be a sequel. Okay.
12:35 p.m.: As I walked out of the theater onto East 86th Street, there was a woman dangling a toddler over a snow bank. The toddler’s pants were around his ankles. The toddler was urinating into the snow bank in front of the theater. I’ve lived in New York City for 10 years and I have never seen that before. For some reason, right now, it all seems fitting.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
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