Good news, figure skating fans: The Winter Olympics are starting this week in the Russian city of Sochi! You can look forward to two weeks of people in tight jumpsuits spinning and sleds being used for things that would blow Charles Foster Kane's mind. Oh, and also, soul-killing clandestine bullshit.
See, all Olympics have unexpected horrors they don't want you to know about, but this being Russia, they just had to take it to another level.
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