02/10/2014 09:08 am ET Updated Feb 11, 2014

17 Reasons I Swiped Left On Your Tinder Profile

I probably have spent too much time trying to find my Tinderella, who may or may not exist. Yet, in that quest, I've come across quite a few women who would've been great, except for one or two major flaws -- not with them, but with their profile.

I've documented some that I saw multiple times and share them today in hope that I can make the (Tinder) world a better place. All of these are based on real experiences I've had using Tinder.

I work with you. This can't happen.

Your profile is empty. I don't need your whole life story, but maybe at least write down one line.


You were my intern a year ago.

You were wearing sunglasses in all of your photos, so I'm not sure if you have eyes. Call me a chauvinist, but I prefer to date women with eyes.

kirsten stewart

You're hanging onto a guy in your main photo. It could be your brother, cousin or GBF, but as far as I know it's the ex that you're still not over. Am I supposed to ask in the first message to you? Or am I supposed to be challenged and want to steal you away? Ain't nobody got time for that.

You're a current intern, even more dangerous.

Every single one of your photos is a group shot. I have no idea who you are.

The only thing your Tinder profile says is "RIP Dennis, always in my heart." I wonder, do you ever go up to a guy in the bar and say "Hey, my cousin Dennis is dead. What's up?"

Two of your photos are presumably you as a kid. Am I supposed to imagine what our kids would look like? If it's suppose to attract me, it doesn't, and this is where I'd make a Woody Allen joke.

woody allen

Three out of four of your photos are mirror butt selfies. Please, do not try to be like Kim Kardashian.

None of your photos allow me to see your face. But I get it, Tinder is the perfect spot to show how artsy and deep you are, like what you used to do on MySpace. We all miss MySpace.

You're holding a snake. I hate snakes.

I know you, we went to college together and were hanging out last weekend. I also know you've had a boyfriend for 5 years so, what the hell are you doing on Tinder?!

In one of your photos, you drew a fake mustache on your finger and held it in front of your face. I didn't think it was cute 6 years ago, I still don't think it is now.

woman fake mustache

This is also not acceptable.

hair mustache

Your entire profile is Emojis. I'm glad it's not blank, but please know that men can neither read lips nor speak Emoji.


Oh, hey! It's my ex girlfriend! Next...

Didn't I meet you on OKCupid? I really need to get offline...


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