“Winter’s Tale,” a movie starring Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe that is being marketed as this weekend’s Valentine’s Day tearjerker (along with another terrible movie called “Endless Love”), is one of the most unintentionally bizarre things to have been put on a movie screen in the last few years. Demons and a magical, winged space horse are involved. Here, we at least try to answer every question that you could possibly have about “Winter’s Tale.”
Q: Is “Winter’s Tale” a story about love?
A: Yes.
Q: As all good love stories do, does “Winter’s Tale” feature a magical, winged space horse?
A: Yes.
Q: What is the magical, winged space horse’s name?
A: Athansor.
Q: Is “Winter’s Tale” the dumbest movie that you’ve seen in the last year?
A: Yes.
Q: Why is “Winter’s Tale” so dumb?
A: Well, first of all, this is a movie that takes itself so seriously, even though the main character, Peter Lake (Colin Farrell), flies around on a magical, winged space horse.
Q: Is Peter Lake a supernatural gladiator of some sort?
A: No. Peter Lake is a mortal thief living in circa-1914 New York City.
Q: How does Peter Lake obtain his magical, winged space horse?
A: It just sort of shows up while he’s running away from a group of demons led by Russell Crowe.
Q: Why are demons chasing Peter Lake?
A: It’s never fully explained other than that Peter Lake used to work for Russell Crowe (who goes by the name Pearly Soames in this movie), and Peter made them angry at some point. Thankfully, the magical, winged space horse shows up to save Peter.
Q: I thought there was love in this movie? When does the love start?
A: Peter, being a thief and all, decides to break into a townhouse and that’s when he meets Beverly (Jessica Brown Findlay), with whom he falls in love with at first sight.
Q: Are there any complications to this romance?
A: There are two. First, Beverly is dying from consumption. Second, Pearly will do anything to make sure this romance does not last.
Q: Considering the first problem, couldn’t Pearly just do nothing and this would all work itself out?
A: Pearly is worried that Peter Lake will perform a miracle and save Beverly’s life.
Q: What does this have to do with anything?
A: Pearly is a demon who works for Lucifer and we are told that miracles tend to inspire people, which Lucifer doesn’t like.
Q: Who plays Lucifer in this movie?
A: Will Smith.
Q: Is there a scene where Will Smith gets angry and all of a sudden he has demon teeth?
A: Yes.
Q: Does Will Smith’s version of Lucifer wear a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt?
A: Of course he does.
Q: Why does Pearly think Peter Lake has the ability to perform a miracle?
A: It has a lot to do with that magical, winged space horse.
Q: Does Pearly possess any particular demon powers?
A: He’s immortal, but other than that, it appears that his most noticeable power is that the scars on his face open up to revel a demon face. He does rip of a waiter’s face at one point, so he can do that, too. Oh, he has the ability to create reasonably decent paintings using just his fingers and blood.
Q: Is "Winter’s Tale" set during the winter?
A: It’s weird, literally 100 years pass at one point during the plot of this movie, but it does always appear to be winter.
Q: Wait, 100 years pass?
A: So, after a showdown between Peter Lake and Pearly, the film smash cuts to the present.
Q: What has Peter been doing for 100 years?
A: Not much of anything, other than chalk drawings in Central Park.
Q: How old is Peter?
A: I’d assume he’s around 135 years old. But he hasn’t aged due to supernatural reasons. Remember, this is a movie with a magical, winged space horse.
Q: So everyone Peter Lake knew is now gone?
A: Here’s the most fascinating thing about this movie. So, 100 years have passed, but Beverly’s little sister, Willa, is still alive and is the editor-in-chief of a fictional newspaper called the New York Sun. Now, Willa is presented as a perfectly healthy senior citizen and is portrayed in the film by Eva Marie Saint, who is 89 years old. The problem is, in the movie, Willa would be around 110 years old. And there is no mention at all that this is remarkable in any way. (The book that this movie was based on was published in 1983 and this plot point actually makes sense in 1983, not 2014. But from what I understand, this doesn’t even happen on the book. So, whatever.)
Q: Does the magical, winged space horse actually fly Peter into space at some point during this movie?
A: Yes.
Q: Is it weird that now I want to see this movie?
A: Yes.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.