Valentine's Day can be a less-than-thrilling holiday when you're riding sans significant other. Flowers, hearts and red and pink everything invade this country like a plague, and it becomes impossible to ignore the day completely. Reluctantly, all this "love in is in the air" attitude may leave you wondering who your ideal Valentine would be.
Allow us to play matchmaker, if you will, because we might just have the perfect fit for you. Think smooth, tasty and emotionally available. Think something that will make you smile after mere moments in its company. That's right, we're talking about wine.
What human looks like this?
1. It's a fantastic cheap date.
Time and again, professional wine testers have not been able to tell the difference between cheap and fancy wine, simply rating the wine with the nicer bottle as "better." More relatable perhaps, an experiment showed that college kids couldn't tell the difference between red and white wine when the white was dyed red. But you know, college.
What we're saying is you shouldn't take wine so seriously. It's great even when bought from Costco, which is the world's largest importer of French wines. Also, it doesn't matter how you drink it -- in China, drinking Coke and wine is actually considered classy. Pro-tip: Combine your finest cola with your cheapest wine and you can't go wrong.
2. It keeps you young, honey.
Wine is known to promote longevity of life and even slow down the process of aging. There's a compound in red wine called resveratrol that is found in the skin of grapes and other berries. This compound activates certain proteins in our body called sirtuins, which essentially protects us from anti-aging diseases. Translation: Wine is liquid gold. And just like gold, you probably shouldn't drink too-too much it.
3. It can be the beginning of a very long and wonderful relationship.
Jeanne Calment lived to be 122 years old, making her the oldest authenticated living human of all time. She'd been around so long that she met Vincent van Gogh, was already a teenager when the Eiffel Tower was completed and was in her thirties when World War I broke out. What was the miracle diet that kept her alive for so long? "She was fond of cheap red wine."
When she was 117, her doctor tried to convince her to start drinking a more expensive red wine but she refused. Even more reason to stay with the cheap stuff.
4. It keeps that smile on your face.
Drinking a glass of wine a day has been proven to help close the gateway to depression. After reaching a certain age, drinking an appropriate amount lowers the risk of falling into a severe state of sadness, compared to those who were drinking more or less than the recommended intake. New motto: Don't be mad, drink a glass.
5. It'll open right up.
Sometimes partners are too withholding, and it seems like neither of you can ever just be yourselves. Luckily wine is very good about opening up to you.
There are a few roundups on the Internet, but here's a shortlist of the crazier ways to open up a bottle of wine: shoe and a hard surface, knife, house keys, samurai sword, paperclips, flame torch, gun.
But really, people, if you plan on making wine your Valentine, we hope you already know the key to her heart: a simple corkscrew. Or just buy a screw-top bottle, if you're that kind of person.
6. It's versatile and you can have it any way you want it.
No, seriously. Room-temp wine. Chilled wine. Mulled wine. Wine coolers. Wine pops. Wine sauces. Wine reductions. Honey wine. Rosé. White. Red. Sangria. And on, and on and on… your way, your rules. And no one with a contrary opinion to tell you otherwise. That said...
7. It can fulfill even the most obscure of desires.
Not all wines are just red or white. Sometimes they're bug, bird and reptilian.
8. It's not opposed to a little PDA action. A whole bottle even fits in a Starbucks cup!
Technically this is against the law in most states in the U.S., but if you want to take your date to the beach, all you need is the Starbucks trenta size cup. Or of course, any other container that holds liquid.
9. It will never break your heart.
In fact, quite the opposite: a glass of red wine a day keeps the heart doctor away. The benefits of drinking red wine in moderation include lower risks of heart disease, heart attack and even blood clotting. What more could you want in a Valentine than something that’s going to protect your heart at all costs? That’s right, NOTHING.
Happy ValenWINE's Day!
Images Getty unless otherwise noted.
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
Start here, with the latest stories and news in progressive parenting. Learn more