Huffpost Comedy

What To Do Now That You're Too Old For Spring Break

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Feeling down about being a little long in the tooth for Spring Break? Do you use phrases like "a little long in the tooth"? Don't worry, we're right there with you.

Your drunken-beach-party days might be behind you, but that doesn't mean mid-March doesn't have other kinds of fun — responsible fun — to offer. Take a look at our list of things to do now that you're too old for Spring Break, and enjoy the next week of not having to apologize to everyone you know.

  • 1
    Put those keg stand muscles to better use
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    The gym will be empty thanks to all the young, beautiful people being out of town, so get in there and use the machines while they're free. Repeat next year.
  • 2
    Enjoy NOT spending your tax refund
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    You filed early, you got your refund early. Now sit quietly at home and stare at all that cash for a week. Get crazy one night and roll around in it... Spring Break forever.
  • 3
    Savor knowing where your iPhone is at all times
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    Bikinis don't have pockets and sand and salt water are the enemies of technology. Enjoy another week of not losing your best friend in a haze of alcohol and random hookups.
  • 4
    Instead of binge-drinking, binge-watch
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    Those 'House Of Cards' episodes aren't going to view themselves. Plus, they've got enough awkward sex and unscrupulous behavior to fill ten Fort Lauderdales.
  • 5
    Paint something other than the town
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    There's a lot of Bob Ross clips on YouTube... happy little trees await.
  • 6
    Host a 'Spring Breakers' discussion group
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    Invite your similarly ancient friends over to dissect the sexual, economic and political implications of Harmony Korine's 2013 film. Agree that being in your twenties was awful, even though your twenties looked nothing like this.
  • 7
    Chug, chug, chug...
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    ...that healthy vegetable juice you just pressed.
  • 8
    Get a seasonal iPhone case
    Combine your love of tasteful font choices with your acknowledgement that, even though you aren't taking part, Spring Break is being celebrated somewhere, by someone far younger than you. This wry acknowledgement will give you a warm feeling, similar to that of the sun.
  • 9
    Instead of yelling, 'Spring Break!'
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    Yell, 'Spring Cleaning!' Then drink in the myriad pleasures of getting your life in order.
  • 10
    Instead of sitting on a beach drenched in coconut oil...
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    Drink a refreshing and healthy coconut water while sitting under a blanket in your freezing apartment. There's nothing more fun than being healthy.
  • 11
    Send some late night text reminders
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    Forget booty calls... a 2:00am message reminding you to buy your Aunt June a birthday card won't result in a walk of shame.
  • 12
    Give the dog a bath
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    Everyone wins at the end of this wet t-shirt contest.
  • 13
    Look up cute, retro bathing suits on ModCloth
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    Imagining looking fabulous at the beach is much cheaper and quieter than actually being there.
  • 14
    Instead of waking up in a stranger's bed...
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    ...just THINK you have by buying yourself some new sheets. They'll look just as good in the morning as they did the night before. Maybe you'll even want to have breakfast in bed. Go nuts.
Filed by Carol Hartsell