Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Click through the slideshow below to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Dear pancakes, thank you for causing arguments between my children as to who had the first one and for making a sodding mess of my kitchen.
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 4, 2014
June announced this morning that she will be attending "purple college." So maybe NYU and Vassar have a shot.
— Melissa Walker (@melissacwalker) March 3, 2014
Can taking your kids to Starbucks count as a craft?
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) March 4, 2014
I hear there's a cool new mom in the neighborhood. Maybe I should ride my bike past her house until she notices me.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) March 5, 2014
My 2 year old daughter's positive affirmation: "I'm smart, I'm pretty and I'm a kitty cat"
I love this kid.
— jnyemb (@jnyemb) March 5, 2014
To my 3 yo son: "Could you please stop touching your pee-pee?"
Him: "But it's my very, very, very, very, very favorite part about me!"
— Hillary Leonard (@thehilljean) March 6, 2014
3-year-old: Roll down my window
Me: It’s 10 degrees out
M:*rolls it down *
3: I’m cold
It’s almost like there’s a connection.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014
When your 4yo asks you to teach her how to roll her eyes, DON'T DO IT.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) March 4, 2014
If only we could harness the renewable energy of toddler tantrums.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) March 6, 2014
The best way to start a brawl at a 4yo's birthday party is to serve a Frozen themed cake w/only two slices that contain part of Elsa's head.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 2, 2014
Eldest: "Mom, it's too bad you have stage fright because you are a really good singer!"
Me: *Calls pediatric auditory specialist*
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 4, 2014
parenting tip: if your kid ever says "well, technically-" you're screwed.
— MarinkaNYC (@MarinkaNYC) March 6, 2014
"Wait- is this guy for real? Where did he even come from?" Jude (7) on Nicholas Cage.
— Brittany Gibbons (@brittanyherself) March 8, 2014
My son learned the hard way today that if he doesn't let me kiss him 'bye on the school blacktop, I'll scream "I WUV YOU SHMOOPY BONGIORNO!"
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) March 6, 2014
Wife's camera is loaded w two things: photos of her son & photos of her drinks. It makes sense: she loves them and they give her headaches.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 6, 2014
Today's pharmacy purchase: crayons, Xanax. I'm a real mom now!
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) March 7, 2014
Does anyone know how I can travel back to 1999 and punch my new-parent smug self in the underpants parts?
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) March 6, 2014
Is there anything more awesome than the "there is confirmed case of head lice in your child's classroom" email from the school nurse?
— Lindsey Mead (@lemead) March 4, 2014
Raising teenagers is like trying to wrestle slippery pigs with your hands tied behind your back.
— Gina Valley (@GinaValley) March 4, 2014
Some parents leave $10 a tooth because they're crazy. Others do it because they can't see what they're pulling out of the piggy bank at 2am.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 6, 2014
The people complaining about suddenly "losing one hour of sleep" with Daylight Savings Time must not have young children.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 8, 2014