Huffpost Comedy

The Evolution Of Your Snarky Tweet About That Thing Everyone's Talking About

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EVOLUTION SNARKY TWEET
AP

00:00*
Someone in office with whom you've never associated shrieks with joy and exclaims, 'It finally happened!'
*All numbers are time elapsed since event

00:08
Rather than turn head and ask individual for explanation, attention directed to Twitter.

00:13
It is ascertained that a celebrity-related event has occurred.

00:20
Said event involves photographic image of celebrity couple transferred to paper and duplicated many times.

00:30
EMOTIONAL STATE: Mild Disdain

01:00
Experience fleeting urge to open "New Tweet" window. Attention returned to work already in progress.

01:30
Peripheral vision reveals Twitter stream moving at faster than normal levels. Attention diverted from work.

02:00
After watching Twitter stream for several seconds, mental list made of people to potentially unfollow... but not yet.

02:15
EMOTIONAL STATE: Aggravation

02:20
'New Tweet' window opened, immediately closed. Attention directed back to work in progress.

03:00
Thorough and unyielding analysis of event continues amongst colleagues.

03:15
Passing thought about 'Falling Down'.

03:30
'New Tweet' window opened. Nothing written.

03:45
EMOTIONAL STATE: Self-Righteous

04:00
Tweet composed, immediately deleted in effort to not add to event-related rhetoric.

04:10
EMOTIONAL STATE: Superior

04:30
Three minutes of solid work, the result of matter being settled internally if not externally.

07:30
Wry observation about event tweeted by Famous Person Who Does Not Follow You.

07:32
EMOTIONAL STATE: Wounded

07:34
'New Tweet' window opened.

07:44
First three drafts deemed 'too on the nose', 'too cute', 'too negative' respectively.

17:44
Tweet comparing importance of event with situation in Ukraine composed, edited, fact-checked and sent to best friend for focus-group response.

20:10
Final draft internally approved for tweeting.

21:00
Tweeted.

21:01
EMOTIONAL STATE: Terror

21:08
Only Famous Person Who Follows You favs, does not RT.

23:00
Life of tweet over. Assessment: 3 favs, 1 RT by someone with 4 followers.

23:02
Person who RT'd unfollowed.

24:00
Famous Person Who Does Not Follow You tweets almost same joke. Thousands of favs/RTs.

60:00
List of 'Funniest Tweets About [Event]' includes tweet by Famous Person Who Does Not Follow You.

60:02
EMOTIONAL STATE: Despair