03/23/2014 12:48 am ET | Updated Mar 23, 2014

Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

Mornings would be easier if the school bus driver would agree to circle the block a few times while my kid looks for his shoes.

— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) March 19, 2014

Sex Ed for teenagers should include trying to get 2 kids ready for school in the morning.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) March 19, 2014

Me: I got the kids dressed.

Wife: Our toddler is wearing one sock. And one shoe. And they’re not even on the same foot.

Close enough.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014

If your toddler hands you something and you have to ask, "Why is this wet?" it's safe to assume you don't really want to know.

— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) March 18, 2014

Don't think a 2 year old won't tell on you

— Elijah Shombla (@Blacktating) March 17, 2014

There are two types of parents: those who admit to playing fetch with their toddler, and liars.

— John (Dad) (@askdadblog) March 16, 2014

My 5-year-old just seriously asked if his grandmother was born with her glasses on her face.

— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) March 16, 2014

There's a place in hell for people who buy out all the Frozen toys and resell them on eBay. And "Let It Go" is on an infinite loop there.

— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 18, 2014

Her: I know how to spell "Olaf."
Me: Yeah? How?
Her: 2 Rs, a P and a D.
Me: That's probably incorrect.
Her: There is also a 5 in there.

— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) March 20, 2014

7yo: That would be awesome if it was actually raining cats and dogs. Free cats and dogs for like 20 minutes!!

Good point, son.

— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) March 21, 2014

82% of parenting is making sure your kids don't do something fatal today

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 21, 2014

I’m always bitching about our high cable bill but if you think about it, 100+ dollars a month ain’t bad for a full-time babysitter.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 19, 2014

To use our family's new kid safe f-word substitute: Park this weather. I am so parking over it. Park! *shakes fist at sky*

— sarahdessen (@sarahdessen) March 18, 2014

"Do you like dicks, mommy?"
"Do you like sticks?"
Ooohhh. Umm, sure.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 18, 2014

I just got my hair cut and the guy was like 'what shampoo do you use?' and I was like 'suave 2 in 1 for kids' and he stuttered.

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) March 20, 2014

4yo: "Mum, you can't skip now you're old can you?"


— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 19, 2014

There's going to be a hungry 3yo in Los Angeles today if she insists on not eating last night's leftovers because it's now "used food."

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 21, 2014

My 7yo ate a yellow Starburst and didn't say anything so he shall henceforth be known as "He Who Tolerates the Yellow".

— Wendy (@maughammom) March 17, 2014

Concerned citizen: "I think maybe it's naptime?"

Me: "No ma'am, we think she has rabies."

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 19, 2014

I don't mind when my kids whine because it reminds me to get more wine.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 21, 2014

Any guy who's ever been voted Dad of the Year has at one time or another let his kids eat Froot Loops for dinner

— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) March 22, 2014

"Massage should be consensual!" - the kind of thing I yell at my kids

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) March 22, 2014

I am saddened by the fact that I am no longer alarmed when my fingers smell like someone else's poo. This, my friends, is parenting.

— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) March 15, 2014

And the final tally of what the almost 2yo ate today? chapstick-2 vegetables-0. Thanks for playing.

— shannon (@trashcanmuffin) March 20, 2014

Me: "Are you just pretending to sleep?"
4yo: (Shakes head "no".)

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 23, 2014

Read More
Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
The World Would Be A Better Place If Everyone Woke Up Like This Baby


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