Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You guys, here’s the thing about parenting…
[Takes a sip of water]
[Puts down glass]
[Forgets what I was going to say]
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) April 3, 2014
If you're wondering if "mom brain" is real, I just put perfume on for a Skype call. Sit with that.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 4, 2014
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
— John Solo (@Shock_Monster) March 29, 2014
Kid (whining): It's not fair! I have to pick up ALL the toys!
Me (whining back): It's not fair! I have to fold ALL the laundry!
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 31, 2014
Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar.
— jnyemb (@jnyemb) March 30, 2014
My toddler is so effective at preventing me from getting any work done that she's legally considered a member of Congress.
— Daniel Lin (@DLin71) March 31, 2014
The opposite of BAD is GOOD.
The opposite of GOOD is NONE OF THEM WILL TAKE A NAP, SHOVE SPOONS INTO MY EYEBALLS AND DIG MY BRAIN OUT.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) March 31, 2014
Before you go crazy on those baby-making plans, just remember children need to be fed THREE+ times a day. Think about it. Think hard.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 1, 2014
"This ketchup is fantastic."
- my 5 year old, after she insists on the most expensive entree on the menu
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 3, 2014
Almost $300 on groceries today. Probably ordering pizza tonight.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 2, 2014
6yo is SO THRILLED to get a birthday party invite, never wants to attend the actual party. This pretty much sums up my entire life.
— Linda (@Sundry) March 31, 2014
For her bday my daughter REALLY wants the $130 Isabelle American Girl doll...or the $20 doll from the craft store. Decisions, decisions...
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 2, 2014
I judge my father’s love for me by how much he’s able to resist the urge to buy my kids a drum set.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) March 31, 2014
Sorry kids, when the ice cream truck plays music, it means he's all out of ice cream.
— bearded grumblings (@liberalcannon) March 31, 2014
Ben starts baseball practice tomorrow, so I start my bi-weekly prayer for rain.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) April 2, 2014
Maybe time to limit Minecraft time when you overhear your daughter telling the cat "I'm going to get married to the Enderman."
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) April 4, 2014
I'm pretty sure the road to hell is covered in rainbow loom bands which I will be forced to pick up.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) April 3, 2014
That special moment in a Dad's life when he looks at his kids & realizes that they're FINALLY big enough to get him a beer outta the fridge.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) March 28, 2014
The worst part about your kid growing up? Their friends following you on social media, so you can’t make off-colour jokes anymore.
— Karen Walrond (@Chookooloonks) April 4, 2014
My 4yo son is singing in the shower, "I'm pooooping in the shower right now!" He's bluffing. Totally bluffing. He may not be bluffing.
— Sam Huntington (@SammyHuntington) April 3, 2014
Only 95% of my conversations with my wife involve a child’s bowel movements, so, no, the romance isn’t dead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014
Toddlers are like puppies who wear shoes and can talk.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 4, 2014
Me to 9 y/old daughter: Turn the TV down!
Me: Turn it down.
Me: Turn the volume down!
9: But it's not even loud.
— TeriKO (@klecket) March 30, 2014
It's pretty funny when I say it, therefore it must be the most hilarious thing ever WHEN I SHOUT IT. - Every kid ever
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) April 5, 2014
Me: "As a parent, I will never say "Because I said so"
*3 years later*
"Because I said so you little !&%* that's why!"
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) April 2, 2014
Dear English language,
I'm proposing the word 'sleep' is dropped from the word 'sleepover'.
A tired parent
— jimmyettele (@jetts31) April 5, 2014
I never realized so much of adulthood would be pretending not to be drunk in front of babysitters.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 2, 2014
Sitting down on your kid's tiny toilet seat adapter while half asleep is the ultimate Alice-in-Wonderland experience for your butt.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) April 2, 2014
I haven't done a somersault in years, but if the kids laugh at my humble offering and stay in bed, it was worth throwing my back out.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 2, 2014