Welcome to "Game of Moans," the weekly recap of "Game of Thrones" Season 4 that highlights all the moan-worthy, gasp-filled, OMG moments that litter the Seven Kingdoms. In other words, you can get a traditional recap anywhere, so here's all the sex, bloodshed, and WTF moments (the good stuff) that went down this week:
(SPOILER ALERT if you haven't seen Season 4 Episode 2, "The Lion and the Rose," and Episode 3 "Breaker of Chains.")
The Purple Wedding has passed and no one is mourning Joffrey (except Cersei, of course). In Sunday night's (April 20) episode things only got more intense and bloody, and there was finally a massacre and a foursome!
The Fool Got Fooled Moan:
Poor Dontos. He was tortured and nearly executed by the King, then thought he was helping out Sansa, only to lead her into Littlefinger's trap and get shot in the face with a crossbow. Ugh, I really don't like Littlefinger one bit.
The Foursome Moan:
The Oberyn, Ellaria, and hooker foursome (or wait, was that a fivesome?) finally happened! I just love that the King was just murdered, but Oberyn spends his time in the brothel enjoying his vacation in King's Landing to the fullest -- more on that later.
The Massacre Moan:
The wildlings attacking that village was the first brutal massacre of the season and Ygritte got to put her bow and arrow to work on someone other than Jon Snow this time.
The Don't Mess With Daario Moan:
Finally, Daario had his big moment and got to prove that he is indeed a kickass warrior. Sure, he killed the two other commanders of his camp last season, but now we finally got to see him in action. No big deal, with just a wink and a kiss he destroys a man.
Who killed Joffrey?
I had my predictions last week, but things have changed since. Based on this week's episode, this is the next round of possible and unlikely suspects.
- Margery: It can't be her or Olenna Tyrell since Olenna pointed out the majorly important fact that the marriage to Joffrey was never consummated. Margery also seems to have too kind of a heart to poison him.
- Tywin: It is rather unusual that one of the very first things Tywin says following Joffrey's death (and in front of his dead body, mind you) is telling Tommen, Joffrey's little bother, that he is the new king. Talk about moving on fast. But more interesting is how Tywin quickly wraps Tommen around his finger with his arrogant "great Kings listen to their council" speech. One of my predictions is that Tywin killed Joffrey -- who never obeyed the council -- to put his more malleable brother in his place, thus giving Tywin more power over the throne.
- Tyrion: Okay, so now we know it's definitely not Tyrion. As he said himself, if he did plan to kill Joffrey, he'd make sure he wasn't the prime suspect or even attending the wedding at all.
- Oberyn: The Red Viper, a.k.a. master of poisons, is the most obvious murderer at this point since it is pretty clear that Joffrey was poisoned. It's a bit curious he decided to stick around in King's Landing following the wedding (I'm sure there are good brothels anywhere), but maybe Joffrey's death was just the beginning for him. Plus, he has a vendetta with the Lannisters, so it only makes sense that he'd kill Joffrey.
- We've seen a lot on "Game of Thrones," but a rape between sibling lovers was definitely a first. For the first time since the pilot, I actually hated Jaime more than Cersei.
- It's hard to love The Hound when he's such a ruthless jerk, stealing from the poor farmer and his daughter. But then again, he's one of the most sensible characters on the show.
- Ugh Sam, why did you send Gilly and little Sam away to the nasty brothel? I know you love her and want to protect her, but come on.
- How to win over a city of slaves and show them you're an honest, admirable leader? Throw barrels full of broken chains and cuffs into their city's walls while taking over said city like a boss. Dany always know how to win the people's hearts in the most impressive ways.
"Game of Thrones" airs on HBO on Sundays at 9 p.m. EDT.