ENTERTAINMENT
04/24/2014 01:48 pm ET Updated Apr 24, 2014

Katy Perry's 'Birthday' Music Video Ruins All Birthday Parties

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After releasing a lyric video and a eye-roll-y trailer, Katy Perry finally deigned to give the Internet the actual music video for "Birthday." Beware: It is eight minutes long, two of which you already saw in the trailer.

"Birthday" follows Perry as she ruins five different birthday parties dressed as the "world's worst birthday party entertainers." Here's how to destroy a celebration, according to Perry:

  • Give a 90-year-old man named Bernie an unsolicited lap dance.
  • Eat a mouse in front of kids.
  • Do the worm on an empty dance floor at a bar mitzvah.
  • Pull off an old man's prosthetic leg.
  • Potato sack into a birthday cake.
  • Drink from a flask while dressed in clown makeup.
  • Try to steal a tricycle.
  • Spill a cake on Bernie.
  • Tell a bunch of little girls that you're ACTUALLY KATY PERRY!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday, y'all.

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