Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Daddy can you make me scrambled eggs like when I was little kid? - my four year old daughter
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) April 24, 2014
My kids learn a lot of new curse words on mornings when I oversleep.
— Renee (@nayele18) April 23, 2014
Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014
If I can clean the nastiest poopy diaper with one wipe, why can't I figure out a French braid? Clearly the former is more difficult, no?
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 26, 2014
Overheard 3 yo playing with knights: "GUARDS! SNEEZE THEM!!"
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 22, 2014
Carried my 3 year old for 2 kilometres and she talked about everything in the world except the fact that her shoe fell off at the 1st metre.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 22, 2014
Spring Break is code for "breaking the springs inside parents that keep them upright."
— charlie capen (@charliecapen) April 24, 2014
Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 24, 2014
Do you know what's so lovable about toddlers? No, seriously, I'm asking.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) April 24, 2014
Sexy used to be him bringing me flowers, now it's when he reminds the kids to use the bathroom before we leave the house.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) April 21, 2014
Me: "Who taught the baby how to karate chop??"
— Jenny O’Keefe (@minicityonline) April 16, 2014
7 year old: "Not me."
5 year old: "Maybe it was the internet."
We go from watching Game of Thrones to Madagascar 3 without blinking an eye because we're parents.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 21, 2014
The 8YO, watching "The Munsters," wonders why I don't take the time to look like Lily.
— Sarah Wine-Thyre ゚ヌᄎ゚ヌᄌ゚マᄈᄌマ゚フネ (@SarahThyre) April 23, 2014
Googling "How the ever-lovin' HELL do you play Pokemon?" soon to be followed by "How do I talk my kid into playing ANYTHING but Pokemon?"
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 26, 2014
My pastor dad has the same reaction to someone misquoting scripture as my 4 y/o to those who mess up Do You Want To Build A Snowman.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 23, 2014
Is there rehab for people who continue to sing the songs from the Frozen soundtrack long after their children have gone to bed?
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) April 22, 2014
Can't figure out my 4th grader's math homework, but still know all of the words to every song on "Appetite for Destruction" so it is a wash.
— GoonSquadSarah (@GoonSquadSarah) April 23, 2014
3-year-old:*hits me in the face with a ball*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2014
Me: OW
3: Think fast!
Me: You’re supposed to say that before you throw it
3: You think slow
I don't know what's worse, being ordered around by a toddler or actually doing what he says.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 26, 2014
"So what do you do in your down time?" -people who don't have kids.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 22, 2014
My kid did this cute thing where he asked the cashier if she was a lady or a monster, and now we have to buy our groceries in another city.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 23, 2014
My son said "Mommy, I love you because you like jokes, love me, are really nice and don't have hairy legs."
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) April 22, 2014
My daughter is giving me a makeover. In other words, I'm not leaving the house and now several cosmetics are completely defunct. #parenting
— Hillary Leonard (@thehilljean) April 24, 2014
"Mom, can you hold onto these dolls? And don't lose the shoes." #FamousLastWords
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) April 20, 2014
2yo: "I love meatballs! They make my penis grow big and strong!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 26, 2014
(This was during a lull in the conversation at my dad's birthday dinner.)
5yo at bedtime, "Momma, I've been wondering... does Shuggie have any kids?" Me: Your grandmother?? My mother?? That one?
— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) April 24, 2014
Bedtime Stall Tactic #205:
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) April 23, 2014
The scene: I am rocking my two-year-old before bed.
Kid: "Mommy? I gotta eat lunch."
Read More
Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
9 Indisputable Truths About Kids At Dinner Time
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.