Welcome to "Game of Moans," the weekly recap of "Game of Thrones" Season 4 that highlights all the moan-worthy, gasp-filled, OMG moments that litter the Seven Kingdoms. In other words, you can get a traditional recap anywhere, so here's all the sex, bloodshed, and WTF moments (the good stuff) that went down this week:
(Spoiler alert if you haven't seen Season 4, Episode 5 "First of His Name.")
"First of His Name" was one of those episodes that reminds us why "Game of Thrones" is truly one of, if not the, best shows on television -- as if we need to be reminded. While most "GoT" episodes tend to open with blood splatters or sexual pleasures, Sunday night's (May 4) episode held out until the final 10 minutes to throw us a few heavy action-packed punches. Still though, free of violence and nudity, the first 45 minutes were a riveting mix of emotional and revealing moments.
The This-Explains-Everything Moan
It was only just last week in "Oathkeeper" that Littlefinger finally became an important part of Season 4 when we learned that he was behind Joffrey's death (along with Olenna's help.) But if you thought the power and danger of the sneaky Petyr Bealish stopped there, you were oh so wrong. In "First of His Name" we got one of the biggest reveals of the entire series when Lysa said that she was the one who poisoned her husband, Jon Arryn, the former Hand of the King to the late Robert Baratheon.
If you remember, we met the deceased Jon Arryn in the pilot episode and Lysa told her sister Catelyn that the Lannisters were behind his death. Only now have we learned that Littlefinger convinced Lysa to kill him and lie to her sister and Ned Stark, and that Littlefinger was the one behind all of the chaos that's commenced since the show began. As Varys once said, Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in the Seven Kingdoms. Should we add him to our hate list?
The Hell-Yes-Arya! Moan
Arya has more balls than almost any character on "GoT." She fearlessly named The Hound as the final name on her kill list right in front of him, like a boss. Then while practicing her sword-fighting skills, she jabs him with Needle -- let us not forget that a tiny little girl just stuck a sharp object into a giant, scarred, terrifying killer. He proceeded to slap her across the face (not cool, Hound), but we know deep down he really cares about her.
The Fuck-Yeah-Hodor! Moan
Forget about everything else that happened in this episode because the best moment, hands down, was Hodor kicking major ass. (Okay, I know it was really Bran doing the fighting here, but still, let's give Hodor his shining moment.) Bran suddenly warged into Hodor again, but this time intentionally, so he could rescue Bran from Locke. That angry look on Hodor's face as he breaks free of his chains was maybe my favorite three seconds from the entire series. Finally, Kristain Nairn got to show more than one facial expression!
But that's not all! Hodor (controlled via Bran) then saved Bran, picked up Locke, and snapped his neck in two with just a slight nudge of his giant hand. We only wish he could use his strength and massiveness to kill more bad guys, but as the horrified look on his face once Bran left his mind revealed, poor Hodor could really never hurt a fly on his own. What the clip above to relive the amazing moment.
The Don't-Mess-With-Jon-Snow Moan
Jon Snow certainly does not know something, and it's about how to send a traitor to his grave. He fights off Karl pretty well, until a little spit in the face throws him off (Ygritte would totally have laughed at Jon if she were there). But no one spits in Jon's face and gets away with it. When Karl is about to kill one of Craster's girls, Jon shoves a sword through the back of his neck into his mouth. One of the best/nastiest "Game of Thrones" deaths ever? Definitely.
- We have a new king! Tommen is such a little sweetie, I hope he doesn't get killed or betrayed any time soon. He's pretty much the most innocent person in all of the Seven Kingdoms and I really hope he stays that way.
- Littlefinger and Lysa sex = ew.
- Cersei opened up a little bit and revealed more of her softer side this episode, telling Oberyn how much she misses her daughter. Cersei is a character who is constantly switching between evil witch and real woman in every other episode. It's hard to fully hate her when we're reminded of how much sorrow she's dealt with.
- Rule, Dany, rule! Go free the slaves; there's all the time in the world to conquer King's Landing!
- Podrick is such a silly little guy. Apparently, his only skills include pouring wine and wowing every woman at the brothel.
- Who knew the little "Love Actually" boy would grow up to become a psychic who sees fire on his own hand?!
- I think this episode had the most "Hodor!" lines of any.
"Game of Thrones" airs on Sundays at 9 p.m. EDT on HBO.