Huffpost Comedy

27 Things You Should Never, Ever Do In An Elevator

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ELEVATOR DONTS
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If the recent Solange/Jay Z fight has taught us anything, it's that elevators are just weird.

Think about it. You're riding in a metal box with strangers. Someone's always watching. There are unspoken rules. If you consider what you're actually doing for more than a second, it becomes terrifying. But there are certain things that can make riding in an elevator even more awkward than it has to be.

So, aside from getting into a high-profile celebrity brawl, here are some other things you should never, ever do in an elevator.

  • Sneeze.
  • Clip your nails.
  • Eat literally any type of food.
  • Talk on your phone for more than 3 seconds.
  • Ask if anyone has heard of that thing where elevators just drop for no reason.
  • Press the elevator "stop" button to prolong going to work.
  • Break up with someone.
  • Think it's your floor, realize it's not, then get back on without making an awkward apology.
  • Request assistance with your wedgie.
  • Practice your weird performance art.
  • Declare, "I've brought you all here for a reason," then get off without saying anything.
  • Cry uncontrollably.
  • Take a selfie.
  • Cry uncontrollably while taking a selfie.
  • Tell an inside joke to a friend, then judge the other riders for not getting the joke.
  • Run in and frantically hit the "Door Close" button while screaming, "They're coming to get me! They're coming to get me!"
  • Challenge your fellow riders to a jumping contest.
  • Attempt to lead the elevator in a rousing cover of "Let It Go."
  • Pretend you're doing reconnaissance work for a future, high-stakes heist.
  • Sing "Happy Birthday" to no one in particular.
  • Mark your territory by urinating in the corner.
  • Ask the person next to you if your cut looks infected.
  • Commit treason
  • Invent a new kind form of renewable energy.
  • Announce that you're running for President in 2016.
  • Take it back, declare yourself "Elevator President" for life.
  • Okay, seriously though? Just don't do THIS.