POLITICS
05/15/2014 05:57 pm ET Updated May 16, 2014

10 Lessons We Learned From Idaho's Incredibly Dysfunctional GOP Candidates

With days to go before the May 20 primary, Idaho's GOP gubernatorial debate managed to pack in more political points than we could keep up with.

Idaho Public Television gave voters a final look, and Internet humor enthusiasts a good look on Wednesday night at the race between incumbent Gov. Butch Otter (R), state Sen. Russ Fulcher, Harley-Davidson enthusiast Harley Brown and Bible expert Walt Bayes.

It seemed like the longest hour of television in history, but along with the great fanfare for the cameras, there were several lessons to learn from Brown and Bayes.

1) Bikers And Playboy Bunnies Have More In Common Than Meets The Eye

From Brown... beginning at the 8:35 mark...

"We bikers, discrimination, the cops, we are cop magnets, like a Playboy Bunny wearing a miniskirt gets hit on all the time. They pull us over without probable cause and they bring out the sniffing dogs and they search us and our bikes."

2) Political Correctness Is "Bondage"

From Brown... beginning at the 21:10 mark...

"I don't like political correctness. Can I say this? it sucks. It's bondage. And I'm about as politically correct as your proverbial turd in a punchbowl and I'm proud of it, and I'm going for it and I'm going for the vote of the real people out there. Not these bondage-type people who don't have a clue about picking up strangers at night and hauling them God knows where. Try that for awhile."

3) When It Comes To Political Parties, "Size Matters"

From Brown... beginning at the 42:55 mark...

"If you take the Republican Party and the Democratic Party, it's a no-brainer between the big two. Now the Libertarians, and especially the Constitution Party, the little guys, have some great ideas. But it's hard to shoot down two big bombers with pea shooters. Size matters."

4) If God Tells You To Become President, Get A Tattoo

From Brown... beginning at the 52:40 mark...

“After God told me He was going to make me president, I went out and got the presidential seal tattooed right here on my shoulder. My morale went from negative 500 off the scale and I started a presidential campaign right there. I’m a type AA-plus guy."

5) Always Pick The "Biker" Over The "Normal Guy"

From Brown... beginning at the 53:50 mark...

"You have your choice, folks: A cowboy, a curmudgeon, a biker, or a normal guy. Take your pick. Thank you very much. We're leaving it up to you."

6) "If The Supreme Court Goes To Hell," Don't Follow Them

From Bayes... beginning at the 6:20 mark...

"The 8th Circuit Court ruled that life starts at conception, that an abortion kills a living human being. We've got to state murder defined, and that murder includes the killing of a pre-born child. If I am governor, I am going to enforce the law, and if somebody says, 'What about the Supreme Court?' If the Supreme Court goes to hell, I'm not following them."

7) "We've Got A Bunch Of Eastern Idiots Running Everything"

From Bayes... beginning at the 24:47 mark...

"The Constitution, the Idaho Constitution, states plainly that the federal government only owns a few buildings. The land is ours. We've got as much right to all the land in this state, including the wilderness, as New York has to Manhattan. I've got as much right to see Manhattan island like they gave 24 dollars for it, as they have to come out here and look at our wilderness. We've got a bunch of eastern idiots running everything."

8) Half Of The Republican Party Is Democrats, And Half Of The Democratic Party Is Communist

From Bayes... beginning at the 43:50 mark...

"A Republican stands for what the Republicans and that first page of the Republican platform is beautiful. But I honestly think half of the Republican Party is Democrats and half of the Democratic Party is Communist."

9) Chernobyl's English Meaning Is Embedded In The Bible

From Bayes... beginning at the 54:25 mark...

"You remember Chernobyl, where the Russians had a little problem with their atomic energy? Chernobyl, when you translate that into English, it comes out 'Wormwood.' Wormwood is mentioned in the Bible a whole lot where you're studying these last days and it's radiation."

10) Governors Can Make A Big Difference In "Un-Normal" People's Lives

From Bayes... beginning at the 54:05 mark...

"Everybody, thanks everybody, ok. [Governor] Butch [Otter], I'd like to thank you for making it possible for me to be here tonight. He kind of insisted that me and this other un-normal person could be here tonight."

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