Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Woke up this morning to my 4 year old cracking eggs. On the floor. Note to self: show him where the mixing bowls and flour are kept.
— Alison Lee (@AlisonSWLee) May 21, 2014
There's no coffee in the house and my 4yo is reciting the entire dialogue to Frozen. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) May 20, 2014
Parenting is equal parts sweeping up messes and comforting that one kid who keeps running into the corner of the table.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 22, 2014
If archeologists from the future discovered my bathtub, they'd think it was a shrine for hair ties and used bandaids.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 20, 2014
My 3yo just told me that she doesn't love me "all the minutes."
Which is an obscenely profound statement from someone who eats crayons.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) May 21, 2014
In the X-men there's a mutant who can produce spikes all over his upper body. I'd rather give birth to him than take my kids to a theme park
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 19, 2014
There should be a theme park called "Parentland" where just parents can go. The rides would be couches where parents can just sit in peace.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 23, 2014
Asking a toddler to clean their room is like asking a hipster to mow the lawn.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 23, 2014
If you're going to have a baby shower/barbecue please don't call it a babycue. That's not cute. It's scary.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) May 18, 2014
Daycare lady: Your 2-year-old head-butted another kid over a snack.
Me: What snack?
I fail to see the problem.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2014
You forget your kid at school ONE time and suddenly everyone feels the need to remind you about 1/2 days. Geez.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 21, 2014
I agreed without actually listening to my 3 year old's question so now I'm taking her for a piggy-back ride to Dora's house.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 18, 2014
My 4yo's life philosophy:
Fuck an inside voice.
— Wine-O-Mite (@Jen_Up_) May 25, 2014
6 yo has been under the impression that the Star-Spangled Banner asks if you can see "by the elderly light." Glad we got that cleared up.
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) May 22, 2014
My daughter just said the five words every parent dreads: "Mommy, I Googled your name."
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 19, 2014
My husband: "Kids, guess what mom's favorite book is."
My husband: "Facebook."
(He thinks he's so funny.)
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 23, 2014
"I want you to look at me! I want you to ALWAYS look at me." --My three-year-old explains the popularity of social media.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) May 20, 2014
Mommy, you're so beautiful. Except your boogers. They're gross. But everything else about you is beautiful. Asher, 6
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) May 22, 2014
Apparently toddler didn't ask about me once while I was gone. He did, however, ask for "Mummy's phone". Just so I know where I stand...
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) May 17, 2014
Good news: My son can now buckle himself into the car seat.
Bad News: It takes 10 minutes for my son to buckle himself into the car seat.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) May 23, 2014
2 weeks later and I swear my heel still hurts from stepping on a Lego!!
— Niri (@mommyniri) May 20, 2014
Things you never think you will say until you have kids: "You are NOT eating dinner naked."
— WhatWouldGwynethDo (@WWGwynethDo) May 22, 2014
My 8yo just came in at 10:45pm and whispered, "I have to poop," stared at me for 5 seconds, then went into the bathroom. This is parenting.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) May 21, 2014