06/14/2014 09:15 pm ET | Updated Jun 14, 2014

Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.

This week, we're so happy to welcome guest curator, Melissa Sher, a Best Parenting Tweets veteran with a knack for humor who speaks the truth about parenthood on her blog, Mammalingo, and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!

My dad once told me, "Don’t feel bad if you strike out. That just means we can get out of here sooner.” #Dadvice

— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) June 11, 2014

Wife: "Hey, Boone, do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?" Boone: "What do ninjas eat?"

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 9, 2014

I'm, son come and show me how this thing works! "years old"

— Miniwheats (@Miniwheats2012) June 11, 2014

Me: What’s the opposite of tall?

4-year-old: Short.

Me: What’s the opposite of fast?

4: Slow.

Me: What’s the opposite of fun?

4: You.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014

Confession: sometimes I encourage cheating at Candy Land, because it makes the game end sooner.

— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) June 11, 2014

*watches son shoot himself in the face with a rubber band*
*tells wife not to expect any "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2014

"Stop competing with each other," I yell at my kids way louder than they can.

— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 11, 2014

Possible sign that I'm failing as a dad: my son hit me in the groin as a joke & then didn’t get why I was in excruciating pain.

— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 9, 2014

I am outraged my daughter was shown The Karate Kid in school today. It was the new one.

— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) June 13, 2014

I already know my daughter's quality of life will exceed mine because she escaped the 6th grade without a perm.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 11, 2014

ZOEY: Was the planet Pluto named after the dog?

ME: Yes, they named the planet that’s been around for billions of years after the dog.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 10, 2014

X just told me I'm getting on his last nerve. Because I am making him button his own shirt.

— Cheryl P. Stober (@cherylstober) June 10, 2014

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

— charliecapen (@charliecapen) June 10, 2014

Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 10, 2014

It is so weird that I have a 4yo child. Not because it makes me feel old, but because it’s amazing I’ve kept him alive that long.

— Nate Smith (@bestnatesmith) June 12, 2014

I just saw a family with 4 very unhappy adolescents at a highway rest stop. I've seen my future and it's everything I dreamed it would be.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 8, 2014

2yo won't look at me because I just tried to tell her the song doesn't actually go: "ashes ashes, we all freak out!"
Why do I bother?

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 9, 2014

I"m taking 3 kids to the zoo. I'm telling you that now in case something appears on the news later.

— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) June 12, 2014

My 10 year-old thinks "WTF" means "Where's the food?" and the day he finds out differently I will take to my bed.

— Jeni (@highlyirritable) June 12, 2014

If you have a 5 year who wipes their own ass, I'd like to sign up for your parenting classes.

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 11, 2014

Toddlers, can't live with em', can't convince them to play in the dog kennel a little longer while you make dinner.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 12, 2014

4yo: "(unintelligible mumbling)"
Me: "What?"
Me: "Oh."

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 8, 2014

Parenthood can be described in one word.


— SHANtilly Lace (@shashaintl) June 11, 2014

Being a mom means there is never enough time in the day and even worse there is never enough sleep in the night.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 11, 2014

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