Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Today is the 1st day of summer so it's "the longest day of the year." Honestly, if you're a parent, that's every day.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 21, 2014
3yo: Mom my breakfast is gone. Me: Okay you finished it? Good job. 3yo: Nope I hid it in my bed. Me: And the tone for the day has been set.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 17, 2014
I have three more days of lunches to pack and I'm running out of supplies. Surely one of them won't mind this jar of pickled asparagus.
— FrugalistaBlog (@frugieblog) June 17, 2014
I love you, Daddy.
-I love you too, sweetie.
Can I have some more candy?
Forget what I said about me loving you.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 16, 2014
Having a preschooler with excellent math skills is great until he uses said skills to figure out how many cookies you actually ate.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 18, 2014
You know, my house is exactly like Downton Abbey except for all of the screaming, string cheese and urine on everything.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 17, 2014
Thanks to my kids, I'd gladly trade my suburban for an old, junker limousine if only for the soundproof partition window.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) June 18, 2014
Today's theme was crazy hat day at camp. You know what my favorite camp theme is? Take my kids for the day. The end.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) June 18, 2014
Rock, paper, scissors but to decide who stands in a long line at the Post Office and who stays in the car with a screaming toddler.
— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 16, 2014
4yo: When you're 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it's 9
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) June 14, 2014
8yo, looking through my browser windows: What's the NIIT?
Me: Net investment income tax.
8yo: Hmm. Is it interesting?
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) June 19, 2014
My son, upon arriving at Grandma's in NY: "Can you make long distance calls from here?"
Mom: "What does he think it is, Europe?"
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) June 19, 2014
My two children are elbowing one another. As one of them hasn't been born yet, this is rather uncomfortable for me.
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) June 18, 2014
Me: Not to brag but I totally fixed that talking doll for the kids
Wife: You just changed the batteries
Me: *adds “electrician” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014
The last rule in all game rule booklets at my house must read:
14. To officially officially end the game, someone must start crying.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) June 13, 2014
My kid says: Daddy, can I have a balloon?
I hear: Daddy, will you buy me a floating microcosm of life, death, joy, and disappointment.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) June 18, 2014
If parenting were a video game I'd be in survival mode.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) June 19, 2014
When you have children and something sounds like a mountain brook in the hall—you should check.
— Andry H'tims (@Thing_Finder) June 19, 2014
I hold my glasses of wine the same way I hold my babies. For dear life.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) June 15, 2014
Just in case you are feeling badly about your nutrition, I had Goldfish, fruit snacks, and Bud Light for dinner tonight.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) June 17, 2014
So funny that 5-8pm every night makes me never want to have another kid.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) June 19, 2014
My kids just offered to change bedtime to 5:30 if I pay them a one time fee of a million dollars so I'm here asking you to give what you can
— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2014
4yo is crying because 2yo's farts keep waking him up. That's all I've got folks. This is my life. Goodnight.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 19, 2014
ME: What’re you reading?
ZOEY: I don’t know. I can’t read.
ME: Too bad. You could learn something from it. pic.twitter.com/HozWRBqtiS
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 17, 2014