Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You know it's summer vacation when your kid watches an entire movie before 9 am.
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) June 26, 2014
Me: "Hey kids, since it's summer break you can sleep AS LATE AS YOU WANT EVERY DAY NOW. No, seriously. Try it. It's pretty great."
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) June 25, 2014
My kids get along so great when they aren't around each other.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 26, 2014
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014
I'm always so proud of how my kids go green and re-purpose their old arguments so they work for today.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 23, 2014
If I had an elephant in one arm, a rhino in the other and an orangutan on my shoulders, my sons would still ask me to hold their stuff.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) June 27, 2014
Ask not "who put the piece of graham cracker in the basket of clean laundry?" Ask what that graham cracker can do for you. #Parenthood
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) June 27, 2014
"We don't eat food with our feet" is something I never thought I'd say before becoming a mom.
— Just Jessica (@fabulessica) June 24, 2014
2yo: I want a cheesestick. Me: You want a cheesestick? Him: NO cheesestick!
There's nothing more confusing than being 2. Except being me.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) June 26, 2014
*At kid's birthday party, Frozen on TV
My brain: Don't sing along. Don't sing along.
Me: *starts singing
My brain: Dammit
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) June 22, 2014
The downsides to my kid leaving toys everywhere are that the place is a mess & stepping on them hurts.
The upside is feeling like Godzilla.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 24, 2014
It's easy to judge the seriousness of an injury by my 4yo's refusal to accept a non-character-themed band aid. Verdict: Not Very Serious.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) June 24, 2014
My kids are having a Who Can Make the Most Annoying Sound Contest today. I don't know who the winner will be.
All I know is I'm losing.
— Real Life Parenting (@RealLifeParent2) June 20, 2014
A haiku by my 8-yr-old son:
Pizza is yummy
I will never stop eating
I love it so much
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) June 26, 2014
The 1st time was funny
The 2nd time was a recap
The 3rd was mildly agitating
The 493rd time is shut the hell up
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 23, 2014
My son just referred to the 1980's as "turn of the century."
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 25, 2014
At this point, I'm pretty sure my 4 year old son thinks "ChaseSayYou'reSorry" is all one word.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) June 25, 2014
My 5yo just prayed to Santa to help her poop come out painlessly, and I'm wondering where else my parenting might have screwed her up.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 22, 2014
My 10yo asked me about Oedipus.
Me: "He was a good boy who loved his mother."
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) June 24, 2014
4: Daddy, I don't want to take a nap.
Me: Trust me, one day 32 years from now, you will look back on this decision and really regret it.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 24, 2013
3 yr old: What's procrastinate mean?
Me: I'll tell you later...
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) June 24, 2014
During a Team Umizoomi about favorite things:
B - "My favorite thing is my penis!"
Probably not what Umizoomi had in mind...
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 24, 2014
Being home with kids all day is just the loneliest never-alone thing. Like living in a cave filled with malfunctioning Teddy Ruxpins.
— Linda (@Sundry) June 26, 2014
*Quickly shoves handful of mini Reese's cups in my mouth*
4&6: What are you eating?
M: Dog poop.
4&6: Can we have some?
— Boston Girl (@Kmdk86) June 23, 2014
Highlight of my day? Finally hopping in the shower tonight only to get interrupted because my 7yo is sad about a flower that died last week.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 24, 2014