Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
OK, get your shoes on, we're leaving now!
-Me, 2 days before we have to leave the house.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 30, 2014
"Ok kids. Whoever doesn't go grocery shopping with Daddy will have to help me clean."
And THAT'S how you get the house to yourself.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 5, 2014
5yo: "Mom, will you get me a yogurt?"
Me: "You're closer to the fridge."
5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* "Now you're closer."
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 1, 2014
According to life lessons about adulthood I've been teaching my kids, when they're older they can spend as much as they want on iced coffee.
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) July 1, 2014
Everything I chronically nag my kids about can basically be boiled down to "Don't be such a shitty roommate."
— Linda (@Sundry) July 2, 2014
When I say I'm going on vacation with my kids just know I'm using the word "vacation" loosely.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) July 6, 2014
Been with a two year old for less than 12 hours & the number of times I've asked "Where are your pants?" has exceeded the hours.
— •a• (@roygbiv45) July 6, 2014
Me: Just be quiet for 5 minutes.
4: Look how quiet I’m being!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014
"If you're good" is classic parenting contract loop hole for not giving kids anything.
— In Tha Burbs (@InThaBurbs) July 5, 2014
I'm not saying I won parenting today, but I am saying I'm on the couch and H is at Chuck E Cheese at a 4yo birthday party.
— Wine-O-Mite (@Jen_Up_) June 28, 2014
My kids would drive me a lot less crazy if our minivan had one of those limousine privacy screens I could just roll up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2014
7yo: Mama can you buy me 5 gallons of glue, 2 BIG bags of dirt & a watermelon?
Me: Of course! That list doesn't sound suspicious at all!
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2014
You know you're exhausted when you start referring to your kids as, "That one" or "The big one."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 27, 2014
4yo: "Look! The new neighbors have a shed! Now WE need one!"
Who knew the urge to "keep up with the Joneses" started so early?
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) July 1, 2014
My Kids asked me to play Aladdin with them, so I took them carpet shopping.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 2, 2014
9: Can I get a cell phone? I need to be able to talk to people.
Me: No. You can use a soup can and string like a normal kid.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) June 29, 2014
My kids are like, "Don't ever give us anything except croutons EVER AGAIN!" and I'm wondering how to argue such a valid point.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) July 3, 2014
Me: What do you want to eat?
Me: If you keep eating so many bananas, you're going to turn into one
4yo: Then I'll eat myself
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) July 4, 2014
Me: Eat your food.
8 y/o: Why. Pizza's not even healthy.
Me: Yes it is- it's cheese & bread which is calcium & breadJUST EAT YOUR FOOD
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) July 1, 2014
My daughter told me that tomorrow when I die and go up to heaven she will hold my hand. So, that's not creepy at all.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) June 30, 2014
Getting my 6-month-old ready for bed is like trying to put skinny jeans on an alligator during a death roll.
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) June 30, 2014
"Daddy, what's dangerouser: kicking someone in the two eyeballs or shooting them with a rocket? #bedtimequestions
— Justin Feinstein (@justinfeinstein) June 27, 2014
"Mama. (pats my head cautiously) That's your head?"
"So it didn't essplode?"
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) July 1, 2014