Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Ok, kids. Does everyone have their shoes, socks, snacks, books diapers, fights, and questions about mortality? Good, let's run errands."
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 9, 2014
Today is "dress like your favorite star" at camp and Birdie requested to dress like "Rachel from Friends" THIS IS MY CHILD!
— Busy Philipps (@Busyphilipps25) July 9, 2014
Kid cleaning out toy box:
"Look, Mom! I found my harmonica!!"
Wow. It's my lucky day.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 13, 2014
Funny how much my kids cleaning up their toys in the basement sounds like them beating the crap out of each other while laughing.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 9, 2014
If it weren't for all the banging, screaming, whining and crying, kids probably wouldn't be half bad.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) July 8, 2014
My son just asked me not to get out of the car when I drop him off for camp bc "I look rough." Guess who IS GETTING OUT OF THE CAR NOW, kid.
— Tanis Miller (@redneckmommy) July 9, 2014
That moment when you realize your 6yo's fingernails look not unlike the talons of a velociraptor.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) July 9, 2014
Noticed this morning that school starts August 21.
Finally. Something exciting to look forward to.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) July 11, 2014
Signed my youngest up for kindergarten today. Not gonna lie, I cried...bc now I have to hear BOTH kids bitch about homework.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) July 9, 2014
Thank goodness there are kids in the world to remind us that we should be whining about more than we already do.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 7, 2014
4 yo: Mom did Elsa freeze you?
Me: No why?
4 yo: You have white stripes in your hair.
Me Those are from YOU!
4 yo So I'm magic?
— Tracy Morrison (@sellabitmum) July 9, 2014
16 is playing this game with me called "the silent treatment".
He thinks he's winning. Rookie.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2014
20yo me: Look at the skinny girl! She has no hips! I hate her.
38yo me: Look at the skinny girl! She has no hips! Where do her babies sit?
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) July 6, 2014
I don't always tell my kids how to dress, but when I do it's because they want to wear fleece to the pool.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 9, 2014
The 6YO's phonetic spelling is adorable until she starts playing word games on the iPad.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) July 10, 2014
I just picked off something stuck to my wife's back. Turns out it was a booger from our 5yo because DUH.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) July 7, 2014
You know you're lowering your expectations as a parent when you no longer want to raise a president but just someone who flushes the toilet.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) July 11, 2014
3yo just got a tissue and wiped the baby's nose. I feel silently judged.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) July 10, 2014
I told my kid how I scored 35 pts in a college basketball game and she promptly started snoring. If I need her to sleep, now I know how.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 9, 2014
Picture me out with my kids.
Wrong. More trips to the bathroom.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 10, 2014
My son's making us dinner and I'm pretty sure it's going to cost me my sanity plus the price of a large pizza in about an hour.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 7, 2014
My eight year-old won't eat his vegetables because he says they don't fit his personal brand.
— Dave Pell (@davepell) July 7, 2014
I don't always step on a loud creaky spot on our floor, but when I do, I do it right after my kids have just fallen asleep.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 13, 2014
Motherhood: the state of having a shitty day and then getting peed on in the middle of the night
— A. Disgrace (@annadiscraceful) July 9, 2014
You can't wait for them to start talking, until they do.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 9, 2014
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