Breaking up with a clingy, obsessive significant other is a process marked by stage after stage of mind games and desperate entreaties to stay together. But is breaking up with your cable company even more annoying?
We might finally have an answer thanks to a recent call with a Comcast representative that was recorded by a customer trying to disconnect his service. You can decide for yourself which is a bigger pain, but to make it easier we've transcribed some of the conversation to a medium more fitting for break-ups in 2014: the text message.
Remember: The quotes below are taken from a real conversation with a real Comcast representative that can be heard here.
Round 1: The Superiority Complex
Your ex: "Why the hell are you breaking up with me? Don't you know I'm the best you ever had? I'm so great, how could there possibly be anything wrong with me?"
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Comcast. Your ex may at least have had some valid points: You did enjoy your time together and at one point, you could have believed their claims. Comcast, however, always sucked, and now it just seems pathetic.
Round 2: The "You-Need-Me"
Your ex: "There's no possible way you could live without me because I provide so much for you that you'd be totally helpless without me, whether you like it or not."
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Comcast. While a person that you shared an emotional connection with probably deserves some explanation about why you're breaking up, Comcast does not.
Round 3: Revisionist History
Your ex: "Everything was so, so, so amazing between us and nothing was ever bad when we were together. How can you let that go?"
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Seriously? It's Comcast. As much as we LOVED that time we ordered "I Know Who Killed Me" on demand, the repeated gaps in service really weren't that sweet. The fact that it was our ex's idea to order a movie starring 2007 Lindsay Lohan doesn't get Comcast off the hook either.
Round 4: The Inferiority Complex
Your ex: "Even though there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me that’s causing this break up, if there was, just hypothetically speaking, what might that be? Are you seeing someone else who's better than me in that regard?"
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Comcast. At least your ex hopefully had a few more dynamic qualities to offer beyond download speed and broadband width. Perhaps among them was understanding what the word "no" means.
Round 5: Feigned Acceptance And More Bargaining
Your ex: "OK, please don't leave. I'll do all those things I've been promising to do for the past few months. Better communication! More dates! More sex! Less cheating! You name it."
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Comcast, because it's basically saying it's been ripping you off this whole time. And unlike your ex, now it just sounds like Comcast is going to start screwing you a whole lot less.
Round 6: Reverse Psychology
Your ex: "You know what? Fine. That's fine. I don't want you either."
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? Hmm, let me think ... yeah, it's still Comcast. Because even if nobody's bluffing here, your ex isn't going to keep billing you until you return their cable box with remote. Bonus: If your ex did leave stuff behind, you can just sell it.
Round 7: It's Not Over Till I Say It Is
Your ex: "I'm not saying it's over until you've given me a chance to win you back."
Actual Comcast guy:
Who's worse? We think you know at this point...