Your Relationship's Biggest Enemy -- And How To Avoid It (VIDEO)

08/01/2014 09:27 pm ET | Updated Aug 05, 2014
  • OWN

As it turns out, all is not fair in love and war. Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, a clinical psychologist at Northwestern University, says there is one thing you should never do in a relationship.

"The biggest enemy of a happy relationship is blame," she says in the above #OWNSHOW interview. "Blame and finger pointing have no place in a healthy, intimate connection."

That doesn't mean you stay silent when your partner does something you don't like. "Raising a complaint or a concern is absolutely legitimate in a relationship, but there's a way to bring it up," Solomon advises.

Rather than pointing fingers, focus on your experience and own your feelings. For example, Soloman says to say, "When you did this, in this situation, I felt hurt, I felt angry." Don't just point out your partner's faults. "All that invites is defensiveness and a power struggle and really gets people off on the wrong foot and gets people polarized."

Also in the video, Solomon gives advice to couples who get complacent (another happy relationship no-no). "I really encourage couples to shake it up and put yourselves, literally, in a different context," she says. "Whether that's going to a cheesy nightclub, taking a cooking class, going for a walk on the beach -- whatever it is to get yourselves in a different context can really help you experience each other with fresh eyes."

More from #OWNSHOW: Why your doctor wants you to have more sex.

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