Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
— Chris Rock (@ozchrisrock) August 16, 2014
Nothing makes a toddler move slower than the phrase, “hurry up.”
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 11, 2014
I'm on a college schedule -- staying up, sleeping in -- which is awesome but I have kids who wake up early and destroy things.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) August 15, 2014
My snooze button is just me telling the kids to go ahead and have marshmallows for breakfast.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 14, 2014
Every time I play hide n seek I choose in my bed under the covers and hope it takes a proper sleep cycle for my 3 year old to find me
— Dadholes (@TheDadholes) August 9, 2014
Asking your kids to wash your car is a good idea only if you specify that they must not open the door and stick a hose inside.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) August 13, 2014
Children screaming bloody murder!!
Me: My god, what's wrong?!!!!!
7 year old: Chase took a bite of my Airhead candy.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) August 12, 2014
My kids are arguing over who is "more epic-er."
I vote for whoever learns to use the English language correctly first.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 12, 2014
Gave my kids a history lesson today. Saw a pay phone - they took turns listening to the dial tone. Taught them how to call grandma collect.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) August 11, 2014
Me: We didn't even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.
6yo: Did you have bikes?
Me....nope, we rode horses.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) August 14, 2014
Making my kids watch old-school episodes of Knight Rider and my daughter said, "So, it's pretty much just a car with Siri built in?"
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 18, 2014
Me: Oh yay! My kids are starting to play together, this is great.
Me two days later: CHRIST! Leave each other the hell alone!
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) August 11, 2014
I wish I loved any song in the world as much as my kids love the pre-programmed demo on their keyboard.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) August 5, 2014
6 year old child for sale.
*manners sold separately
— ShotofCherye (@CheryeDavis) August 8, 2014
When my kid is gone, I'm like Pavlov's dog but instead of drooling I go straight to the bathroom to pee alone while I have the chance.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) August 11, 2014
*wearing just my bra & panties*
4: Mama, you look fancy!
4: Wait, not fancy. I meant funny.
M: That makes more sense.
— Nope (@jenyb4) August 14, 2014
How do I feel about my son taking my bras out of the drawer and wearing them around the house? Mostly "better him than me."
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 13, 2014
I just burst into tears because I got one leg stuck in my trousers. And that, Twitter, is how well I'm coping with being 8 mths pregnant.
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) August 11, 2014
Me: Finish your potatoes.
4-year-old: But if I eat all my dinner, I won’t have room for candy.
She’s got the right priorities.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014
If I change my name to 'Service Technician', can I give the babysitter a 10 hour window for when I'll be back to get my kids?
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 12, 2014
Optimism: Grandma putting a brand-new white duvet on the bed for my kids.
Realism: setting aside dry-cleaning cash for my MIL's new duvet.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 17, 2014
Son peed his pants at 4am, daughter at 5, then my dog pissed on the floor at 6. Worst 3 things to happen in a row since the Jonas brothers.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) August 17, 2014
I'm one load away from completely empty laundry baskets, which, of course, means someone will wet the bed or puke tonight.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) August 18, 2014
Beer tastes a lot better when you're a parent.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 15, 2014
My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school.
I'm kidding. It's after they go to bed.
— Draper (@CallMeDraper) August 7, 2014