'Legends' Episode 2 Recap: We're Gonna Need A Bigger Bottle Of Whiskey

08/21/2014 01:21 pm ET | Updated Aug 21, 2014

Do you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends?"

Yes, you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends."

Watch episode two of "Legends," entitled "Chemistry."


  • Previously on "Legends": Remember how you thought this would be a good use of your time simply because Sean Bean is in it?
  • Our story begins in Bakersfield, CA... nothing good begins in Bakersfield, CA.
  • Loving family in a car... they'll probably die soon.
  • Kid is a smartass on a smartphone. No longer invested in whether this family lives or dies.
  • Cops pull them over, they look high.
  • Wait, that's not an American accent.
  • They aren't high, they're Russians.
  • Oh no, real cops! Run, real cops!
  • Bang!
  • Someone's dead and it isn't Sean Bean... again.
  • Still not buyng that "legends" is a thing anyone ever used to refer to an alias before... too disappointed already to google it.
  • Sean Bean is seeing a therapist.
  • Sexual function: EXCEPTIONAL... hahaha, damn right... raising hand to high five Sean Bean.
  • Loosely sketched female FBI agent character is watching Sean Bean's therapy session with the loosely sketched boss character... that's not cool, guys, therapy is private.
  • She questions whether Sean Bean's accent is even real... LOL.
  • Apparently, we're back to female FBI agent not liking/trusting Sean Bean... ok, I mean, I thought we resolved that he is THE BEST™.
  • She doesn't want to work with him but won't bother transferring him either.
  • Boss/Nelson says he put them together because they are both THE BEST™ at what they do... I'd give high fives all around except no one is watching this with me.
  • Flash back to Sean Bean getting mad and breaking his wife's dishes... son walks in and asks, "Dad, why are you breaking stuff?" You can't make this dialogue up.
  • Sean Bean says he keeps his family and work separate... I bet that won't last... predict family in danger by episode four... oh, god, will I still be doing this two more episodes from now?
  • Uh oh, Sean Bean signed in as Lincoln, the "legend" from the pilot... dude is still messed up.
  • "A legend is an elaborate lie..." Metaphor!
  • Sean Bean doesn't seem to know the definition of suicide.
  • He picks up a copy of "The Idiot." Did the show just troll itself?
  • "I know who I am." Not according to the last line of the pilot, Sean Bean. Did you not watch it either?
  • "Pitch Perfect" Bobby's death ruled NOT a homicide.
  • Pretty sure I just saw graffiti of Hermey The Dentist.
  • Dad from the car is a high school chemistry teacher... don't remind us of good shows during your show, "Legends".
  • "They are a typical middle class family." Daughter must be pregnant then.
  • "Most but NOT ALL the VX" really shouldn't be considered "MOST of the VX." If there's ANY VX, there's a lot of VX, IMHO.
  • This is now tied into the Chechen Mafia... That settles it, I'm making a Bingo card for the next episode.
  • Moles, active legends, DCOs... I would have already Bingo'd.
  • Hey, guys, seems serious, better put THE BEST™ on this case.
  • "Napoleon Dynamite" Maggie's hair has gotten quirkier since the pilot. She is officially the quirky tech character. At this point, I'll take it.
  • The fuck is she smiling at?
  • "Work the Chechen angle..." Is that a pole dance move?
  • Richard, the chemistry teacher/secret Russian, didn't hide his Russian-ness for very long.
  • Just because your husband speaks Russian that doesn't make him an immediate stranger, Susan... god, can any woman in this show be written with an ounce complexity? No? Ok.
  • First commercial: We've learned that "Legends" borrowed a few extras from "The Americans" for this episode's bad guys.
  • "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" reference... I WILL TAKE THAT.
  • "We're on the same team here." BINGO!
  • Raincoat guy from the pilot was former marine and crazy.
  • Syd Barrett... who was that reference for?
  • Wow, downstairs FBI dude/Morris Chestnut just helped him out and Sean Bean was like, "Not even authorized to tell you who I am..." Sean Bean ain't got to tell you shit, friend.
  • Sean Bean is offering to go shopping with his son... son has to check his schedule... this is officially the worst father/son relationship.
  • Russians or Chechen mafia or whoever they are want the chemistry teacher/no-longer-secret Russian to make VX.
  • All black suit alert... dude is clearly the most evil Russian.
  • So he just remembers how to make VX? I've made cornbread dressing casserole, like, 40 times and I still need to look at the recipe. Is he a wizard?
  • Why the glamour shots of the female FBI agent?
  • "Cocaine's a hell of a drug..." The fuck is going on with these references?
  • "I bet you DO handle things..." Russians are smooth.
  • Also, female FBI agent's name is Crystal... this show def hates women.
  • Uh oh, Sean Bean angry!
  • Sean Bean is casting aspersions on the way Russians play Russian Roulette... dude gives zero fucks.
  • He's threatening to shoot a ball off of this guy as if it would be worse than just killing him. Get over your balls, gentlemen.
  • Second commercial: We've learned the show writers are just entertaining themselves wherever they can.
  • Dmitri lives in Silver Lake... Russian hipster?
  • "No more of that cowboy shit..." No one says this to Sean Bean.
  • IF that happens again she MIGHT do something.
  • Maggie, running the tech ops... but her hair is running THE SHOW™.
  • "72%... I can work with those odds..." I mean, you can, but should you?
  • Female FBI Agent Crystal just rolled her eyes super hard and then agreed with Sean Bean's plan anyway. I just punched myself in the neck.
  • Whoa, Nelson really cares about Martin. Almost as much as Martin cared about Bobby, who he met twice.
  • Hey, fun! Accidental meet up at the taco cart between Sean Bean and FBI Agent Chestnut.
  • Chestnut's on to you, Martin, and he does not drop the ball... Or fumble... He does NEITHER of those same things.
  • Teenage girl just said she'd get a washcloth. Where? You're in a dungeon.
  • I bet the wife is also Russian.
  • Third commercial: We've learned that this show has aggressively decided to pursue place/time stamps.
  • "Remember there's a lot of innocent people at the club." Thanks, boss, that's why you're THE BEST™.
  • Maggie's hair is THE BEST™.
  • Crystal is having trouble with her bracelet and Sean Bean fixes it. Why is this scene in the show?
  • Martin needs to know you're up for this, Crystal! Are you up for this? You better be because word on the street is you're THE BEST™.
  • These people don't trust each other but they're THE BEST™ and they are the only people who can do this.
  • Also, they're discussing what shots they're going to have while on the mission.
  • Crystal prefers whiskey to tequila. This is her first identifiable human characteristic. Well done, writers.
  • How do FBI agents have so much time to spend on their hair?
  • Someone is described as "like Gandalf with money..."
  • Dmitri might be the worst... probably will die soon.
  • Bakersfield still sounds like Bakersfield in Russian, Dmitri, you dumb shit.
  • Oh, god, FBI fails again... they are so bad at this.
  • Crystal, watch yourself... also, drink more bourbon.
  • Russians apparently understand the idiom "powder my nose".
  • Crystal went into the bathroom and they've lost her signal... good job, FBI.
  • Aww, damn, they just killed nondescript FBI agent Troy.
  • Damn, Crystal will shoot a bitch when they kill Troy.
  • Fourth commercial: We've learned no one kills Troy on Crystal's watch.
  • The Russians are stealing barrels of stuff.
  • Maggie's hair is getting more aggressive as the show goes on.
  • "What a goddamn mess" is Nelson's "I'm too old for this shit."
  • Why are Martin and Crystal at his place? There's literally no reason for that.
  • Someone else is behind this other than Chechens because they are "organized" -- BINGO! -- Didn't they have to be organized to kidnap someone?
  • "I'm going to find out who did it and put a bullet in their head." Crystal, you actually, literally just did that before the last commercial.
  • Uh oh, Morris Chestnut wants to surveil Sean Bean... his boss says no... I'm sure that will be it.
  • He lied... that is NOT it.
  • Crystal wearing an all black suit with turtleneck to signify mourning for Troy, for whom she cared deeply or something.
  • I guess Crystal and Troy were good friends, just like Sean Bean and Bobby and Nelson and Sean Bean.
  • Maggie is wearing a lot of patterns.
  • Crystal may be grieving but she had time to get a cut and a blowout.
  • "Regional Threat Matrix" sounds as dangerous as "Regional Emmy".
  • Those canisters contained the chemicals to produce VX gas.
  • Russian Richard is having trouble focusing on making VX gas.
  • Sean Bean tells Nelson "I need to go back under"... you don't mean...
  • No, it's TOO SOON, Sean Bean!
  • He's going to assume the "legend" Dante Auerbach... Lord Of War... I need all the drinks right now.
  • Sean Bean took his son shopping after all.
  • Mom asks, "Are you going under again?" She knew... maybe she's THE BEST™.
  • Uh oh, Agent Morris Chestnut is trying to follow Sean Bean.
  • Aaaand Sean Bean is already on to you within 4 seconds, Agent Chestnut. You are THE WORST™.
  • Sean Bean folds space.
  • Half the city is in the kill zone.
  • Dante Auerbach is Martin's "most productive legend"... is that another way of saying THE BEST™?
  • "Dante is a talker, convincer, gambler..." Also a joker, smoker and midnight toker but that's neither here nor there.
  • "Sit back and watch. It's his show now." I think a character in this show just told me to keep watching the show.

Sean Bean Deaths: 0
Fully Realized Supporting Characters: .25 (combined score of Crystal's whiskey preference and Morris Chestnut's refusal to back the F off of Sean Bean)
Plausible Plot Points: 1 (Both Bakersfield and Silver Lake are actual locations in California)
Cliches: Holding strong at infinite
Chance You'll Watch The Next Episode Simply Because It Stars Sean Bean & Watching Him Do Anything Is Better Than Not Watching Him Do Anything: 98%, 2% lower than last week
Characters Promising The Show Will Get Better Disguised As Dialogue: 1

CONCLUSION: Inconclusive
Mostly regret, but an hour spent watching Sean Bean as part of my work day is still an hour spent watching Sean Bean.

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