Best Tweets: What Women Said On Twitter This Week

Pumpkin spice lattes are so basic.

— Amy Odell (@amyodell) August 18, 2014

I think the most impressive thing about cave women is all that running they did without a bra.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 18, 2014

A toxicology report for Sarah Palin whenever she says anything.

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 18, 2014

I've wasted most of my potential sitting in Los Angeles traffic.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 18, 2014

Staycationer: Someone who pretends being in their own home is better than taking a trip to a tropical island. (synonyms: broke, delusional)

— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) August 18, 2014

Genuinely believe a lack of parking has kept me from achieving most of my short term goals.

— Iliza Shlesinger (@iliza) August 18, 2014

did you know it's biologically impossible for any woman to be content with the temperature in any room

— cassandra (@cassbwell) August 18, 2014

I have no idea what, "Things change when you least expect them to" means. Nothing has changed and my expectations have been dead for years.

— beth, the GOP's worst nightmare™ (@bourgeoisalien) August 18, 2014

How much do you think it would cost to have Tim Gunn be my personal trainer who's all "oh honey, just give up and get fat already"

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) August 22, 2014

We only fear what we do not understand so I guess that explains why I'm afraid of everything

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 19, 2014

Hope your kid is fooled by all the colorful, personalized supplies and doesn't realize school is the same torture chamber as last year.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 19, 2014

i could probably name my daughter caffeine 

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 19, 2014

Optician: You're going to feel me shoot a puff of air into your eyeball.
Me: And you're going to feel me reflexively punch you in the face.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 19, 2014

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, "um why is she sweating so much"

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 18, 2014

"Be yourself" and other ways to stay single.

— Grace Reynolds (@gracehasfriends) August 17, 2014

My husband and dad are building a cat tower together. There isn't a part of this I don't love.

— Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) August 19, 2014

[At Neiman Marcus]
*looks at sales clerk*
*holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase*
I don't know…which one will hold more chicken nuggets?

— Jebby (@Jennuflect) August 19, 2014

I just accidentally typed "above and beyonce" in a gchat instead of "above and beyond" and i've never been so happy with a typo in my LIFE

— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) August 19, 2014

I challenge you to fill an ice bucket with beers and give it to me and leave

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 18, 2014

When you're a straight nerdy American teenage girl, a British accent on a guy can be a substitute for a personality

— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 20, 2014

If you can't handle me at my Taylor Swift, then you don't deserve me at my best.

— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) August 19, 2014

How much more fun would Mambo #5 be if there were like, two dudes' names in there

— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) August 21, 2014

I'd like to be a proctologist just so I could whisper "back dat ass up" during all of the exams.

— The Alicianater (@leechee420) August 22, 2014

And there go three more state capitals out of my brain as i memorize all the lyrics to "anaconda"

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 22, 2014