Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
For once, I wish weather men would give accurate forecasts. "Cold, cloudy, and a 99% chance the baby will cover the kitchen in paprika."
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 21, 2014
Sometimes you're in awe of all the things your toddler has learned and other times you regret teaching them things like how to open doors.
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) August 17, 2014
Toddlers are a daily reminder that you can in fact get your ass kicked by someone much smaller than you.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) August 22, 2014
Parenting is 80% making empty threats & 20% picking up miniature toys on the floor.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) August 19, 2014
Me: Don’t hit people.
4-year-old: But I really want to!
Welcome to adulthood, kid.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2014
My kids are building light sabers in my kitchen. May the force (and patience) be with me.
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) August 22, 2014
I have a dream! I have a dream that one day my kids will learn how to flush a damn toilet!
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) August 19, 2014
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 24, 2014
If there was a bar across the street from an elementary school I bet there'd be a lot of parents in there on their kids first day of school.
— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) August 20, 2014
I was going to fix my hair and makeup before taking the 4yo to his first day of PreK, but I don't like to set standards I know I can't keep.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) August 20, 2014
That moment your kids start laughing uncontrollably at something you don't understand is like being the only sober person at last call.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) August 19, 2014
Duchess: Hey dad, let's pretend we're superheroes.
Me: OK, I'm Batman!
Duchess: Yeah! And I'm mommy!
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) August 22, 2014
I told my 4yos they are getting 1 cake only for their birthday, so they have to agree on a theme
They agreed to 1/2 one theme, 1/2 another.
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) August 23, 2014
One difference that I've noticed since having kids is that I'm slowly being discontinued in my parents' collages.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) August 18, 2014
If they could reach the cups, I'm pretty sure my kids would kick me out of the house.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 22, 2014
Told my kids we're going to a farm.
9: Does it have Wi-fi?
6: Can I bring my DS?
I think I'm going to leave them there.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) August 20, 2014
I don't care what the circumstances are - the answer to "Do you want to smell my hand, Daddy?" Will always be "no."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 22, 2014
It's a great idea for salons to play movies to keep kids still during trims...until my 7yo starts re-enacting the musical numbers in Frozen.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 20, 2014
If you want perspective, have kids, then try to remember how easy it was to only take care of yourself.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 21, 2014
A young person can't believe you'd ever think "THANK GOD THE WEEKEND IS OVER."
A parent can't believe you'd ever think otherwise.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) August 25, 2014
"Somebody better be bleeding!"
My response whenever the kids call for me.
— van (@vanluvz1) August 21, 2014
Sometimes my 4yo stops talking & sometimes I don't have wine & Doritos for dinner.
I'm just kidding. Neither of those things ever happen.
— JuneBug (@jenyb4) August 22, 2014
Kids are really adorable when they're not doing that thing where they destroy everything in the house.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 22, 2014
When my kids are grown and have their own houses, I'm gonna come over and leave all my trash on their floor.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 20, 2014
You know the kids are desperate to avoid bedtime when they start offering to clean the house.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 23, 2014
She can't escape her mom, even when "back to school" shopping at Target. pic.twitter.com/t85uCqIwCu
— Molly Ringwald (@MollyRingwald) August 19, 2014