Picture this: It’s Christmas Day. You’ve been stuffing your face with food for the past four hours, and you’re a bit drunk. You’re at your in-laws' house, and everyone is tired and just wants to watch a movie before passing out.
But there are eight of you. The couch is crowded and, more ominously, there is no consensus on the movie. You go to HBO On Demand. There's that flick from last year that you’ve been dying to see -- but, alas, your sister-in-law and her boyfriend just watched it last week. You go to Showtime. You’d be down for the latest blow-everything-up blockbuster, but your wife and her mom have no desire for destruction.
So you go to the pay-per-view menu. And you flip through the library. And you keep flipping and flipping and flipping until finally, out of sheer madness, you all agree to settle on this semi-quixotic, moderately discussed movie that none of you saw last year. You turn it on, sit through the previews, tune in a bit more closely for the movie’s first few minutes, and then... oh, no.
Nudity. Masturbation. Sex. Drug abuse. Gruesome violence. Erection humor. Whatever it is, you just chose the most awkward movie possible to watch with your family.
It happens every year -- but in the age of the Internet, it should really be preventable. We here at The Huffington Post believe in public service journalism, so we’d like to help you avoid this nightmare scenario. Below are submissions from our staff on the movies (and TV shows) you absolutely should not watch with your family this Christmas. We know, because we watched them.
(Note: Many of the following clips contain nudity, profanity and other adult material. Don't read this article with your family, either.)
Team America: World Police (2004)
The worst thing about this story is that I had seen "Team America" before. I knew there was constant cursing. I knew there were crude jokes. I knew there was a very long puppet sex scene. But for some reason, my brothers and I thought it was a good idea to rent the movie to watch with our grandparents. I've blocked out most of the experience, but I do know that we fast-forwarded through the puppet sex. Even at a faster speed, it was very uncomfortable. -- Elise Foley
Top Five (2014)
I went to see "Top Five" with my parents, sister and boyfriend this past weekend. The theater was packed and we couldn't find five seats together, so my boyfriend and I had to sit a couple of rows in front of everyone else. This is a spoiler-free zone, but let's just say there was a certain scene set in a certain Houston hotel room that made me happy I didn't have to face Mom and Dad until after the movie was over. My poor little sister, sandwiched between them, wasn't so lucky. -- Johanna Barr
The Crying Game (1992)
This was actually one of the BEST viewing experiences for me. One day a few years ago, I came downstairs to find my father in the middle of the movie and commenting on how good-looking the woman was. I, having seen the movie and knowing what the big reveal was, could not help but sit back and wait for his reaction. It was priceless. "Startled" is an understatement. The kicker is that my parents had already seen the movie when it first came out -- and they couldn't stop talking about the reveal for weeks. My father had just completely forgotten about it. That often happens when I watch movies with my parents: In the middle of the film, my mother or father will shout, "Oh, I've seen this," and then get bored and go do something else. That, fortunately for my entertainment, didn't happen with "The Crying Game." -- Ricky Camilleri
The first season of Game of Thrones had aired, and all I'd heard about were the knights and dragons, etc. It sounded like "The Hobbit" in episodic form. During a holiday visit with the in-laws, my wife and I encouraged her lovable mustachioed dad to check it out with us. I can't remember which episode we watched, only the awkward whirring of his massage recliner as I asked myself how this super-intense sex scene could possibly go on any longer. -- Nico Pitney
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
I have not personally had any awkward experiences with parents or in-laws and movies myself, but it seems to me that this movie -- while excellent -- contains just about every single thing you do not want in a movie you watch with older members of your family: a hallucinatory aspect, intense scenes of drug-induced depredation, thoroughly disgusting depictions of body trauma, an absolutely terrifying (I mean branded-on-your-soul-forever) depiction of amphetamine psychosis, and to top it off, THERE IS THAT SCENE WITH JENNIFER CONNELLY (you know the one I am talking about). This movie is an agonizing nightmare to watch with ANYONE. You should literally broach the subject of watching this movie with another person by asking, "Do you feel up to watching an agonizing nightmare with me, and then maybe weeping for an hour afterward?" -- Jason Linkins
Don Jon (2013)
Watched it with the in-laws last Christmas on demand. We made it about 10 minutes in before we decided we couldn't take it anymore. I forget who exactly pulled the trigger. But it came after the third monologue about the lead character's masturbation methods. The whole family had gotten together around the TV and we had debated for a long time what to watch. So this was a big disappointment. Making it worse was that we immediately settled for "Love Actually" right after turning "Don Jon" off. -- Sam Stein
Don Juan DeMarco (1994)
The very definition of "sensual harassment." The terrible Bryan Adams song ("Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?") has eclipsed the fame of this movie, which is about a guy (Johnny Depp) who thinks he is the world's greatest lover and regales his therapist (Marlon Brando) with stories of his exploits, with Cinemax-style re-enactments spliced in. My parents thought it sounded like a funny movie for us all to watch together. We spent about an our with our faces contorted in grotesque attempts at casual expressions, strenuously avoiding eye contact, before my dad just got up and changed the channel to "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives." It's about the only time anyone has ever been relieved to see Guy Fieri. -- Brie Dyas
Monster's Ball (2001)
It's a shame all the pre-release buzz about casting, teasers and controversial scenes didn't exist in 2001 the way it does now. If it had, I might have avoided renting "Monster's Ball" with my extremely conservative mom. Academy Award-winning performances! Look at the artful cinematography, Mom! And then, WHAM: Boobs flying as Heath Ledger pounds a prostitute in a seedy motel. That sex scene between Halle Barry and Billy Bob Thornton that -- sweet Jesus -- is seared into my brain more than a decade later. I think I willfully managed to lose consciousness before the ending. -- Kim Bellware
Y Tu Mamá También (2001)
I watched "Y Tu Mamá También" with my dad when I was in college. The movie opens with a scene of Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna masturbating beside each other on diving boards over a pool. It is very NSFW. -- Kate Sheppard
Love & Other Drugs (2010)
I was looking for a nice, lighthearted movie to watch with my parents, and all I knew about this movie was that it was a romantic comedy. Shortly after it started, it became clear that it was more about how a casual sex relationship evolves into romance -- "casual sex" being the operative words. So basically a lot of sex, nudity, masturbation and not being able to get an erection, all of which eventually leads to two people falling deeply in love, but then it gets really sad because one of them is seriously ill. It also has Anne Hathaway. Enough said. -- Sabrina Siddiqui
Secretary (2002)
Very awkward, the entire movie. -- Carolina Moreno
Her (2013)
For the most part, this film was family-friendly, except for ScarJo's incorporeal orgasm. -- Samantha Lachman
The Room (2003)
I told my in-laws about this CRAZY bad movie that was so bad it had become accidentally popular, that people were calling it "the 'Citizen Kane' of bad movies." I hadn't seen it, so -- expecting comically bad acting, and figuring the in-laws would get a kick out of it -- I suggested we all watch it. Nobody had told me about the graphic sex scene and close-ups of Tommy Wiseau's butt like right in the beginning, and then AGAIN, the SAME SEX SCENE, at a later point in the film. I died. -- Arthur Delaney
P.S. This story is a lie added only for the purpose of including a clip of 'The Room.'
Shopgirl (2005)
I watched this with my parents in the theaters years ago, expecting an adorable, Steve Martin-directed romantic comedy. Which is mostly what it was, until the horrifying, 6-foot close-up on Jason Schwartzman's hairy butt. I almost died of embarrassment (and my parents considered sending me out of the theater). -- Talia Lavin
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
My sister made the mistake of seeing "The Wolf of Wall Street" with her new in-laws last Christmas. It was bad enough that an early scene in the movie has Leonardo DiCaprio doing coke off a prostitute's behind, but it then goes on for another three hours. I think they plan to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" this year. -- Kate Palmer
Mississippi Masala (1991)
In the fifth grade. With my parents, aunt and uncle. The audible sounds of disapproval during the Sarita Choudury-Denzel Washington sex scene was sooooo mortifying to me and my cousins. -- Sujata Mitra
OK, this actually wasn't even an accident -- my friend and I loved this movie when we first saw it as teenagers and thought it would be funny to make our parents watch it with us. The movie is pretty Not Safe For Parents, since it's basically a two-hour ode to marijuana with plenty of nudity and swearing. My mom was horrified ("I can't believe this DVD has been sitting in my HOUSE the whole time!")... but I'm pretty sure the two dads thought it was hilarious. -- Usha Sahay
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
I watched this at a birthday party sitting next to the birthday boy's grandmother. It was horrible. We were kids, I would say barely teens. I had no idea what Judge Reinhold was doing in the bathroom, never mind what Jennifer Jason Leigh was doing with that carrot or in the pool house. I wished the grandmother would have gotten up from her seat, but she never did. -- Jason Cherkis
Notes on a Scandal (2006)
This is a (truly excellent) film about jealousy, sex, power, betrayal, the ravages of age, etc. It is not a film that you want to watch with your 80-year-old uncle and 68-year-old aunt. It features a lonely spinster who's obsessed with a very attractive younger woman. They're both teachers. Trouble is, not only is the younger woman not into women -- she's also having an affair with a 15-year-old male student. Things get a little nuts. My dear uncle, a Cambridge-educated Pakistani with the colonial hangover that's endemic in my family/social circle, heard the movie starred Judi Dench and essentially went, "OMG MUST WATCH!" My aunt, who can work the Internet a little, wisely intervened. (I was a bit too paralyzed with fear to do so myself.) We dodged a rather scary bullet, and a very pleasant night was had by all as we watched some ancient BBC comedy instead. -- Akbar Shahid Ahmed
Under the Skin (2013)
I watched this movie with my mother-in-law. This is the critically acclaimed Scarlett Johansson alien movie set in Glasgow. The movie consists entirely of Johansson roaming seedy streets, picking up men -- some of them non-actors filmed with hidden cameras -- and luring them to a gooey, strange death. There is very little dialogue. There are a lot of naked men.
It was strange and slow, and sad in the way the men were so easily lured to their death. Thankfully, my mother-in-law fell asleep pretty quickly. Otherwise, we would have had to endure some awkward full-frontal scenes and a savage ending. -- Jason Cherkis
Borat (2006)
My grandfather and I always bonded over absurd comedy. Now that he's struggling with Alzhiemer's, it's been tough for us to have a conversation or follow along with anything that has a complicated plot. My solution over the holidays was to watch "Borat." Yes, there's a long naked fight scene and plenty of awkward masturbation humor. But that was the point. His absolute shock and candid disgust over some of the awkward parts had us both reacting, laughing and enjoying ourselves like we used to without the need for context. I wish I could say the same for Nana. She left the room quickly. -- Jason St. Angelo
American Pie (1999)
I didn't actually watch this with my parents, but when I was in middle school, I had a bunch of friends over and we were watching this in the basement of my parents' house. My mom decided to bring milk and cookies downstairs right when Shannon Elizabeth gets topless. -- Paige Lavender
Wedding Crashers (2005)
In high school, I saw "Wedding Crashers" with my parents and a friend. My mom and dad actually got up and moved to the other side of the movie theater after the boob-filled "Shout" scene -- which is probably for the best, since sitting next to them during pretty much any of Isla Fisher or Jane Seymour's scenes would have been far more awkward for teenage me. -- Mollie Reilly
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