Welcome back to the wonderful world of white wine tears, roses, grammatical incorrectness and two-month journeys toward engagement. That's right, "The Bachelor" has returned -- this time with Chris Soules, the all-American, corn-loving #PrinceFarming at its helm. This season, we'll be recapping the highlights of each episode.
8 Things We Learned From Prince Farming's Journey This Week
1. Even a sunset can't sell Arlington, Iowa. "The Bachelor" is really really trying to sell the women -- and viewers -- on the benefits of living in tiny town, Iowa, where the closest movie theater is an hour away. We suspect that the majority of the women are thinking, thanks, but no thanks. (They're also probably pissed that instead of Europe, they went to Deadwood and Des Moines.)
2. It's probably best if your family doesn't disclose your intimacy issues to your new boyfriend. Chris heads to Louisiana to meet Becca's family... who promptly throw her under the bus by saying things like, "Becca’s not an intimate person by any means.” Yikes. We're also reminded -- yet again -- that Becca is a virgin.
3. Chris is consistently shocked by the professional success of his suitors. “She knows what she’s doing," says Chris when he sees Whitney at work in Chi-town. "She’s a professional.” It's too bad that Whit would likely have to sacrifice her career to move to Iowa. (But seriously, where is the nearest hospital to Arlington?)
4. Whitney's sister might be the sanest person on "The Bachelor" this season. For some reason, she seems concerned that her sister might get engaged after less than three months of knowing someone, and follow him to a tiny town in Iowa away from all of her friends and family and career. Crazy!
5. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching a farmer rap. Kaitlyn takes Chris to a studio and they write a "rap song" together. Sample lyric from said rap: "Family means everything and so does an engagement ring." Oof. As Chris aptly observes, “I’m a farmer from Arlington Iowa, not a rap artist.” The man speaks the truth.
6. "Unconventional family" is apparently code for "divorced" in the "Bachelor" world. Two out of Chris' final four ladies have parents who are around, but not still together. For some reason, Chris keeps referring to their families as "unconventional." Pretty sure once there's a Bravo show on the subject (and a HuffPost section devoted to it) we can declare the divorce taboo dead.
7. You can be shy and have posed for Playboy. Much of the "drama" this episode revolved around Jade's big reveal that she had posed for Playboy. She finally tells Chris, who seems very surprised and somewhat uncomfortable -- especially when they look at the photos together -- but assures her that he wouldn't change the way he felt about her based on her past. (I remain somewhat skeptical on this point, but who knows.) “Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl,” Chris says, as though being "shy" or seeming "innocent" automatically means you've never done something that would be considered not "innocent." Sex and sexuality are complicated, y'all.
8. Apparently we needed reminding that posing for Playboy doesn't make someone a bad mother. Chris reassures the cameras that Jade's past photo shoot wouldn't impact her abilities as a mom. DUH. It's frustrating that this even needed to be said.
And The Final Rose Goes To... (Part 1)
SAFE: Kaitlyn has a rose. Whitney, Becca, Jade
ELIMINATED: Carly (and Britt just before)
And The Final Rose Goes To... (Part 2)
SAFE: Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca
Next Week, On "The Bachelor"
Bali! Kissing! Boats! Hearts exploding! Overnight dates! Clarity! Biggest insecurity! Whitney’s worked hard! Kaitlyn’s concerned! Making love! Or not! Virginity!
The Best Tweets About This Week's "Bachelor"