Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My wake up call this morning was a child 3 millimeters from my face asking, "Can I have pizza for breakfast?"
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) February 18, 2015
I've discovered the key to always having a hot cup of coffee!
Never have children.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) February 18, 2015
*takes kids to school*
*goes different way than their mom usually takes them*
4yr old: Daddy, do you even know where the hell you're going?
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) February 19, 2015
Why is it that snow day = the desire to be naked in small children?
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) February 18, 2015
Him: Mommy, what IS a postcard?
Me: A prehistoric text message.
Him: Did they send them on beepers?
Me: No. Just... no.
— SocaMom® (@SocaMomDC) February 19, 2015
Preschool teacher: Your daughter said a bad word in class.
Me: Where the fuck did she learn that?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2015
Crazy how the only time my kids ever actually want to talk to me is through a one inch crack at the bottom of the bathroom door.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 18, 2015
If you want to give your teen a math lesson AND make them sick, tell them to figure out if they were conceived on Valentine's Day.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) February 14, 2015
When you're a #parent, it is best not to attempt to figure out what the various stains on your clothing are. A mystery better left unsolved.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) February 19, 2015
"I will beat the sh*t out of every f***ing 2nd grader in this muther F***ing school!"
- Me, reacting like a mature parent to kids bullying
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) February 18, 2015
Because they probably DO appreciate you.
— Next Life, NO Kids (@NextLifeNOKids) February 17, 2015
"Mom! The speed limit is 35! You're going 36. Now 37. 36. 35. 36. 35. 36. Slow down! 35. Still 35. Oh no! 36!"
Kids are so damn helpful.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) February 18, 2015
Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids' birthdays and genders.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 19, 2015
If my boys are ever on a team together on The Amazing Race, they'd be the guys in last place because they can't find anything without me.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) February 18, 2015
Whenever I'm surrounded by my kids I always feel like I'm in that Adam Lambert song, "What Do You Want From Me?"
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) February 19, 2015
4: Why did the dinosaurs die?
Me: Well, it got really really cold and they ran out of food.
4: Why didn't just they order a pizza?
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 18, 2015
My third grader has a new homework difficulty ranking system:
"Mommy, my math homework tonight might make you say one bad word."
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) February 18, 2015
Toddlers react to the sound of a parent tiptoeing out of a bedroom like parents react to the sound of a toddler shattering a glass of wine.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 18, 2015
Each of my kids lost a tooth tonight so I'm launching a Kickstarter.
— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) February 18, 2015
Just got the email. No school tomorrow. *sobs into wine*
— sarahdessen (@sarahdessen) February 19, 2015
I don't think I've experienced anything more terrifying than being alone in a dark room & a Sponge Bob toy spontaneously laughed on its own.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) February 19, 2015