Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
The irony of your child waking you up by screaming "Everything is Awesome!" over and over...
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 5, 2015
Were you woken by the sound of beautiful birdsong or a gentle kiss from someone you love? I was woken by 5yo shouting "CAN YOU WIPE MY BUM".
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 5, 2015
My coffee needs a coffee
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) March 2, 2015
I found gum in the washing machine this morning. Coincidentally, I know a 4yo looking for a new home.
— brandik (@brandik) March 5, 2015
I keep my kids on a very strict routine of starting a new routine every day.
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) March 2, 2015
It always takes my son 20 minutes to find his shoes. Cause they're not on the tv, in his video game, that he won't shut off.
— Court (@Discourt) March 2, 2015
I was ready for lunch at 10am. This getting up early is for the birds. And the babies, apparently.
— Kerry Sparks (@Kerry_Sparks) March 3, 2015
Finished doing all the laundry & now there are 217 single unmatched socks left over.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 2, 2015
A kid at school just asked me if there were cars when I was born.
Whatever. Me and my horse drawn carriage are outta here.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 2, 2015
About 3x a month I regret not taking a photo of the wall that someone spray-painted "FUCK DIAPERS" on b/c now it's gone
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 2, 2015
*buys juice at Costco*
*lets kids drink juice*
*realizes that juice contains caffiene*
*kids don't sleep for a week*
*burns Costco down*
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) March 2, 2015
A good day as a parent is when you only want to give up five times instead of ten.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) March 2, 2015
Facebook, because you love hearing about everyone's sick kids.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) March 2, 2015
[Dancing With Myself comes on]
5yo: I LOVE this song.
Me: Rad! It's Billy Idol.
5yo: I love all the songs by Biddy Idoh now.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) March 3, 2015
I just sang the opening song to Thomas and friends completely from memory.
That should really round out my resume.
— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) March 3, 2015
I feel like we'd all be more excited about setting the clock one hour ahead if we just started doing it on Friday at 4pm.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 3, 2015
The question isn't so much "How did my 2yo get sick?"as it is "how did it take so long with all the crap she insists on licking?"
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) March 5, 2015
Babies are like little sharks: They try to eat everything, you really don't want to make them mad and they can't go backward.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 3, 2015
Whenever I hear footsteps I fear they are coming for me.
And, by they I mean my kids.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 5, 2015
Meeting up with moms from 7yo's school. So I need to shower, do my nails, and wax my brows. You know, the things I don't do for my husband.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 5, 2015
You 'yook' so pwetty, Mummy! Are you goin' to a party?!
--my 3yo when I wear pants with a zipper
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) March 5, 2015
I was going to yell at my daughter about not being dressed yet and then I looked down and realized that I'm still in my pajamas. #snowdaze
— Cara (@Carabee) March 5, 2015
You tell your kids they need to wear boots. You show them the forecast. You point to the snow outside. You still somehow lose the argument.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) March 2, 2015
That's not rain you're seeing in SE PA: it's the collective tears of parents who are dealing with early dismissals.
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) March 3, 2015
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
HuffPost Parents offers a daily dose of personal stories, helpful advice and comedic takes on what it’s like to raise kids today. Learn more