Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Honey, I'll take the kids to school today if that's easi-"
[wife doesn't hear me, she's already headed to Starbucks, screaming "Sucker!"]
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 27, 2015
Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don't want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won't leave me alone. This one's yours.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) March 24, 2015
Does it make me a helicopter parent if I'm spinning around in circles all day and getting nowhere?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 24, 2015
Don't have children if scraping dried Rice Krispies off of fucking everything isn't part of your 5-year plan.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 26, 2015
Me: Were you good at daycare?
4-year-old: What do you mean by "good?"
I'm raising a lawyer.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2015
It takes real gumption to stand your ground and refuse to back down. Which must be why my toddler peed on an open book at bedtime.
— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) March 24, 2015
My Son's kindergarten teacher said my son lacks focus, so I started laughing really hard and said, "Did you catch Conan last night?"
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 26, 2015
My 5yo just asked "How did the first person take care of itself when it was just a baby?" WTF?! Solid question. Googling it now.
— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) March 24, 2015
My husband comes back from a four-day business trip today.
*shoves kid in his face and runs away
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 26, 2015
I'm the one who went through the misery of birthing you, so you should be the one giving me a present on this day every year, kid.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 24, 2015
Sometimes I forget my kids are at school and a panic washes over me while I try to assess why it's quiet and if I've left them somewhere.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2015
Does the Toothfairy offer her subcontractors disability? Last night I stubbed my toe doing her job and I'd like to file a claim.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 26, 2015
Having kids is like bringing a third wheel along on every date you'll ever have for the rest of your life. If that third wheel were a hyena.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 24, 2015
My kid bullshits his way through the alphabet.
He's ready for the real world.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 25, 2015
Friend: I'm pregnant! I'm so excited. I'm going to ask you for a ton of advice.
*It might be time to tell her I have no clue what I'm doing.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 25, 2015
"Edamame is made out of green beans and moms. Everybody knows that."
- My 7yo, who would probably really enjoy eating Soylent Green
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 25, 2015
My son hates to brush his teeth but loves to eat his boogers. Am I doing it wrong?
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2015
True love is peeling the skin off your child's hot dog and holding up her nightgown while she poops.
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) March 26, 2015
Asked the five-year-old bed hog to *please* pick a side of the bed and he replied - with no irony - "I pick... the middle."
— Anna Sandler (@Anna_Sandler) March 26, 2015
"Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!" I sing softly to myself as I clean my house alone after everyone is asleep.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2015