If for some inexplicable, Twilight Zone-esque reason, no one else decides to run for president in the 2016 election, Ted Cruz, so far the lone candidate, will be our president. Yeah, don't think about it for too long.
Cruz has been making the rounds at various media outlets now that he's announced his candidacy, and that means there are even more riveting Ted Cruz interviews to take in.
You might have noticed that Cruz has this calming, hypnotizing way of speaking, which makes it easy for your mind to relax and wander. But did you ever consider the things you think about when you're watching a Ted Cruz interview? Well, let's think about them together!
1. "What other names besides 'Ted Cruz' would also make him sound like a fictional college jock?"
It's so dynamic and flashy sounding, like his hair should be slicked back for his job as an extra in "Grease." Sean Rocker. Tony Crush. Rob Thunder. Ben Chill. Chris Boom. Ted Cruz.
2. "I wonder if he suppresses his Canadian accent."
If so, does it come out when he drinks?
3. "This guy is probably a caricature artist's dream."
His features are very defined and recognizable. Would he want to be drawn with roller skates or riding a sweet scooter? "You like roller skatin', Teddy?"
4. "'Cruz' would be a good name for a new driving app."
Or, "Cruzr" if we're still doing the whole "R" thing.
5. "What if the movie 'Ted' starred Cruz as Mark Wahlberg's small furry buddy?"
Is a tinier, hairier version of Ted Cruz less threatening? Or OMG GET IT AWAY FROM US more threatening?
6. "Sure, he renounced his Canadian citizenship, but Cruz and Justin Bieber still have an awful lot in common."
Brainwashed supporters, hair that's chiseled into place, three million-selling pop albums. We rest our case.
7. "What would Ted Cruz's country music band be called?"
Cruz recently stated that he became a fan of country music after 9/11. Can you imagine Cruz in a country music act called The Dixie Cruzes? Teddy Bear and the Cruzers? T-Cruz?
8. "I wonder if 'Border Security' is on Nat Geo right now."
Hey, that guy being tackled coming over the Canadian border could have been Ted Cruz.
9. "Did I leave the oven on?"
You should probably go check on that. Ah, but what if Ted Cruz says something hilarious and you miss it? Still, the house might explode. But if you survive, you'll probably be covered thanks to the Affirmative Care Act. Thanks, Obama.