Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
5: You ate all the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms
Me: It's an April Fools prank
5: You did it last week
M: That was practice?
— La Vie En Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 1, 2015
My kid grabbed the butter out of the fridge this morning and took a bite, so he's definitely a genius.
— Maria Guido (@mariaguido) April 1, 2015
Most of your time as a parent is spent touching things in your house and wondering why they're sticky.
— snowjob (@canadasandra) April 1, 2015
Hey little kids, you should try being an adult. We run a lot too but it's not fun and it hurts us.
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) March 31, 2015
Pretty sure my kids are plotting to kill me. Good thing they are tiny, horrible at planning things, and have 0 follow through. Good luck!
— Stevie Kinnear (@askyourmomblog) April 2, 2015
As a kid I imagined the future would be all about flying cars. As a parent, seeing the anarchy in parking lots makes me think nope.
— CuteMonsterDad (@CuteMonsterDad) March 31, 2015
Santa? Horrifying nightmare fuel.
An unexplainably massive talking bunny with human hands? Totally cool.
— SCRamelia (@notbedelia) March 29, 2015
My parents had it so easy.
When they gave me my first Polaroid, they never had to say "Oh and please don't take pictures of your junk."
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 2, 2015
It's all fun and games until the 8yo pukes salsa into in the bidet.
— Dadcation (@Dadcation) April 1, 2015
In my daydreams, I'm often Daenerys Targaryen mostly because a cadre of dragon kids seem like they'd be easier to manage than my human ones.
— Vhaleesi (@ValeeGrrl) April 1, 2015
Lets put everything we own on the stairs and see if she can make it down them anyway. -My kids
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 1, 2015
Holden (3) keeps referring to his "squad." Upon further investigation, his squad is a radish, his amber healing piece and a feelings puppet.
— Los Feliz Day Care (@LosFelizDayCare) March 27, 2015
5 yr old asked if even sharks were scared of skeletons. had to admit i did not know the answer
— Tracy Moore (@iusedtobepoor) April 2, 2015
Fatherhood is not yelling at your 6yo for drilling you in the crotch with a football because it was a really good spiral.
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) April 2, 2015
It's my favorite time of the year! Putting screens in the doors and watching my children run into them.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) April 2, 2015
Not now son, daddy and mommy
are about to start a huge argument
so we can decide who will help you
do your homework.
— Manguis (@TlaxBoy05) March 23, 2015
My son refuses to eat the food we prepare him, but has not problem sucking on his foot.This really should have been in the toddler manual.
— Papa Does Preach (@Papa_Preaches) March 30, 2015
My Kids: Why do we have to eat our vegetables?!
Me: Because we want to be healthy around here! (Eats another Cadbury egg)
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 31, 2015
My 4yo wouldn't eat his spaghetti (he said it "tastes boring") and instead wanted plain cottage cheese. It's my darkest #parenting hour.
— Chris Routly (@ChrisRoutly) March 31, 2015
Daddy, can you help me find my Popsicle?
...and that's why we can't have nice things.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2014
Being a parent to 4 kids is a lot like being drunk...oh wait...I'm just drunk. Carry on.
— Doug Zeigler (@doug_zeigler) March 31, 2015
Parents spend 98% of their day calculating how much longer until the kids bedtime.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 31, 2015
Insanity isn't doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, it's negotiating with a toddler. #parenting
— Scott Posey (@FatherNerdsBest) April 2, 2015
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