Let's get something straight: we aren't the ones dissing puppies here. That's Eric and Sara Sims, authors of the new book "Puppies Are Dicks: Adopt An Older Dog."
But we have to admit, the pair make a hilariously compelling case. Not just for why puppies are -- as they put it in the book -- "8 pound dicks," but also why puppy mills are evil and pet adopters should open their hearts to a pooch with a few years under his or her collar.
Eric Sims, a producer for the TV show "Archer," says he and his speech pathologist wife came up with the idea for the book while drunk-watching a "Golden Girls" marathon, with their own blended family of three cats and two dogs.
"It's like the Brady Bunch only way smellier," he says. "The biggest inspirations were our older dogs Penny and Riley, who are f'ing awesome. They are so laid back and funny."
Older dogs come with other appealing qualities, too, like being house trained and calm, and "they love to eat spiders for some reason, which helps, kinda. Oh, and also their teeth look like candy corn, which is festive," Sims says.
In other words, no one's trading entirely in the world of facts here.
Sims and his wife self-published the book, which contains illustrations by Jason Barnes. Sims' next literary adventures also involve a saucy look at animals who are, at times, misunderstood.
"I'm writing a book titled 'Fuck You Cat, I Love You' about the abusive relationship I'm in with my cat, Waffles," he says. "Also, there is a weird phenomenon of people not adopting all black animals for some reason. So, I'm writing a book titled 'Why Won't You Adopt Me, 'Cause I'm Black?'"
A third project, which is unrelated to shelter pets but undoubtedly still eye-opening, is a scratch-and-sniff celebrity book that's "currently untitled."
"Puppies Are Dicks," meantime, does have a very serious aim: getting folks to think about adopting a canine companion who's already been around the block a few times, and might be having a hard time making it out of the shelter.
"I personally love it when a dog has the grey face and milky eyes of, say, an Ernest Borgnine. So cute," Sims says. "We're hoping that people will read 'Puppies Are Dicks,' laugh, learn a thing or two, and share its message with their friends and family simply because it's a fun read."
"Puppies Are Dicks" is available for purchase on Amazon, with a portion of the proceeds designated for the Ian Somerhalder Foundation. Older dogs are available for adoption at your local shelter.
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