Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Told my kids that after they finish their cereal we'll leave for school so they both put down their spoons and continued to watch TV.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 7, 2015
Hey kids - remember when you popped out of bed at the crack of dawn yesterday? How about we do that again today for school?
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 6, 2015
My son's morning enthusiasm is so infectious, I wish I could bottle it!
Then I'd drop the bottle into a bottomless pit & go back to sleep.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 8, 2015
I feel like when the day comes for my boys to design my gravestone they will include my daily quote "...& don't forget to brush your teeth."
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 10, 2015
I just reheated a day old cup of coffee I found, you guys. Soon I'll be saving the twisty ties from the bread bags.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) April 3, 2015
I didn't see Fast & Furious over the weekend, but I drove a toddler home on the brink of sleep an hour past naptime, so I got the gist of it
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 6, 2015
Once you get past the whining, complaining, screaming, crying, fighting, and general hell raising, children aren't so bad.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 7, 2015
My 5yo just rolled his eyes at me for the first time. Do I write this in his baby book or...?
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) April 6, 2015
4-year-old: Look, Daddy! I cleaned off the mirror!
Me: Oh, that's... nice.
*takes away the toilet brush*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2015
By "family vacation," I mean the horrific hostage situation I recently endured in a filthy minivan and a series of cramped hotel rooms.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 6, 2015
Momentarily forgetting he has small children, he asks himself, "Why are there all these mittens in my pillowcase?"
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) April 10, 2015
Writing a new memoir about my 3 yo called The Devil Wears Pull Ups.
— Rachel Simmons (@RachelJSimmons) April 6, 2015
3yo just told me to please look away as he peed in the bathtub. #decorum
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) April 6, 2015
Me: "Do you know what I love?"
Me: "Holding your hand."
3yo: "Do you know what I love?"
3yo: "Watching TV."
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 9, 2015
If I'm ever frozen in time by a volcanic eruption, historians will be all: "And here is a woman picking people's dirty socks off the floor."
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) April 10, 2015
It's not the bad things my son does but the blank expression on his face when he does them that concerns me. #toddlers
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 6, 2015
Summer is coming. I can hardly wait to go to the pool and listen to my kids say, "watch this" a bajillion times.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 9, 2015
I am sitting. Other parents are chasing after their kids. I don't understand this b/c if you sit, children will find you.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 7, 2015
5yo tenderly touches my husband's face & says,"I love your beard, Dad."
Next, turns to me, "I love your mustache too, Mom." #HallmarkMoment
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) April 9, 2015
Our kitchen table centerpiece is a bunch of Legos my 5yos left there a few days ago.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 7, 2015
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a kid a fish and he'll whine incessantly about it until you make him chicken nuggets.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 6, 2015
When your toddler demands "pony song" over and over but you have no idea what she means so you put on Ginuwine.
— meredithrodkey (@meredithrodkey) April 9, 2015
Spring Break Day 5: Kids told me today is "Special Friday" & that means they're sleeping in my bed tonight.
THAT SOUNDS SPECIAL DOESN'T IT
— Vhaleesi (@ValeeGrrl) April 10, 2015
Doing some reflection today:
At what point in my life did showering become optional?
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) April 9, 2015
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
HuffPost Parents offers a daily dose of personal stories, helpful advice and comedic takes on what it’s like to raise kids today. Learn more