17 Signs You're Definitely Not A Chill Girl

04/15/2015 04:56 pm ET | Updated Apr 17, 2015

If you think "go with the flow" sounds more like a bad tampon slogan than a valid suggestion for future plans, you're probably not chill.

The trope of the Cool Girl, the Chill Girl's trendy older sister, was first outlined by Gillian Flynn in her novel-turned-movie "Gone Girl":

"Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot."

A few sentences later, Flynn debunks that nonsense: "Men actually think this girl exists." (Hint: she doesn't).

In an April article on Medium, writer Alana Massey took the myth of the Cool Girl one step further, articulating exactly who The Chill Girl is. Massey describes the Chill Girl as the Cool Girl but less interesting and without passion. "Chill is what Cool would look like with a lobotomy and no hobbies," she writes.

Second spoiler alert: The Chill Girl doesn't exist either.

Sure, some women give off that it's-totally-cool-to-never-define-this-relationship-let-me-go-chug-a-beer now air -- and for a few unicorn women out there, it's genuine. But in most cases, "chill" is just a veneer society has forced on women because it's painted as attractive. It's the idea that women shouldn't have needs -- or God forbid be "needy." We're not supposed to demand what makes us happy, we're not supposed to have strong opinions, and were certainly not supposed to insist that We Talk About This Now.

"Chill" is a bullsh*t parasite that stifles female (and male) complexity in favor of being "attractive." But how does keeping quiet about what we want and need make us more desirable?

I am not the Chill Girl by any stretch, and I'm not Cool by most definitions either. It's time to take a stand. It's time to rid the world of "Yeah bro, she's totally chill," and make "Yeah bro, she's totally Type-A and completely anal" the next big thing. Who's with me?

Without further ado, here are 17 signs you are definitely not chill:

1. "I'll call you when I wake up" makes you twitch. Cause like, is that 10 or noon? Should I have a snack before brunch?

2. You have "What is the plan?" as a canned text message. And you expect a precise answer each time you send it.

3. But seriously, you really just need to know what time.

4. Relaxing is not relaxing.What is appealing about lying on the beach for more than 5 minutes? Don't even get me started about meditation.

5. "We're just hanging out" is not a phrase you will ever say while maintaining normal blood pressure. What does that even mean? ARE YOU MY BOYFRIEND JUST TELL ME NOW?

6. "We're gonna see where this goes" is also foreign to you. Like, are we going to sit down next Tuesday and evaluate where our relationship has been, then plan out the next logical steps? If so, sounds great!

7. Monica on "Friends" is your spirit animal. 'Nuff said.

8. Even your dog has been on Prozac. RIP Simon, you neurotic mutt, you.

9. You're not gonna watch football just become some cool dude or lady wants you to. If you like football, then you'll watch football! But if you don't, you're not pretending you care about which guy with a helmet ran into the other one harder. (That is how they keep score, right?)

10. Nightmare sentence: "Ohhh wanna pop by Coachella this weekend?" LOL, never.

11. Loud, crowded bars and clubs are the death of you. Oh yeah, let's just stare at each other and fist pump while you spill beer on me that sounds soooo fun.

12. You actually called your parents when you saw someone smoking pot at a party in high school. "Mom, can you come get me? I feel uncomfortable."

13. "Whatever" is not in your vocabulary. I have an opinion and I am going to tell it to you right now.

14. No two words make you angrier than "Calm down." Can't. Even.

15. Dishes in the sink make you question your faith in humanity. Just don't.

16. It's your way or the highway. It's not that I don't value your opinion (lol), but my plan is the most productive and efficient, so just go with it.

17. But for real, don't f**king tell me 10:10 if you mean 10:40 or 11.

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